Let me start by saying I do not think this is going to be a very good day. The Tribe was up at 5 AM, 2 hours too early, and The Big Guy is in a mood from hell. Not to mention that if I did still get good ol’ flow, I would have her right now (yes, I am one of these ever so lucky women who still “feels” like I get a period after a total hysterectomy, yeah!).

We have an easter egg hunt, only the 18th one this week, that should be balls of fun with these 3 today. I am sure The Big Guy will not attend, he is a little anxious and stressed this AM.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep. It could be the very long week. Final option, big ass lack of sex. Yeah, I said it. Ms. Let’s Get It On has lost her mojo. I suppose the medicine has something to do with this.

I’m in a pickle, be anxiety free but have no sex drive, or be crazy stressed while lovin’ on The Big Guy. Unfortunately, I think the mental health thing wins!

Like I mentioned above, I am a bit hormonal this AM. A little over the top, and can’t exactly call on Mr. Shitty Yell A’ Lot for assistance. So this is how our last flippin’ conversation went:

(while we are both on separate computers reading through emails and sharing what we discover)

Mommy: “You know what I notice about all the very successful entrepreneur’s in the IT field?”

The Big Guy: “Yes, I know what you are going to say but go ahead. (with a smirk on his face)”

Mommy: “None of then were married to at least 35, or aren’t married at all. They don’t have kids for the most part either. I guess you have to choose!”

The Big Guy: “I have thought about writing on this for a while now, I agree. To be successful as an entrepreneur, you can’t have those worries.”

Mommy: (with tears in her eyes, I told you I was hormonal) “Hmmm, yeah.”

I feel guilty to a certain extent. Am I the reason he is a “family guy”? Did I hold him back? Would he have been able to accomplish more without me and the kids? Would he be happier in life being a successful IT entrepreneur? Who knows what would have come even without me, but I do know being married in your mid 20’s and having kids in your late 20’s adds a big list of “have to’s”.

He had to make a certain amount of money. He had to work 9-6 business hours, if he wanted to see his kids. He had to put many dreams on hold. Basically, he had to grow up.

Maybe it is just the mood I am in, but I wish that we had the resources for The Big Guy to do what he has a true passion for. Believe me, it is not the IT project manager job that he ever so faithfully reports to everyday to pay the bills!! LOL.

He is a good man and I know he would never say any of this out loud. He has never even hinted at any of these frickin’ thoughts, but after 13 years I know him too damn well. I hope that one day I can provide the stability for our family and he can venture out to test his talents and dreams to their fullest. Until then, I will just stomach these feelings of guilt.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 31st, 2007 at 10:53 am and is filed under Gaga For Lulu, Family Life, The Big Guy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.