Gaga For Lulu

Let me break it down for you, 4:23 AM, in our little corner of the world…

“What in the shit is that noise?”

“That would be your f’in’ bird sanctuary!”

“Huh, oh for the love of…”

“Um huh, sanctuary at Devonshire (our street name)”

“Why the hell are the birds up at this hour, damn, do they all live outside our house?”

“Yeah, you dimwit, you and your 800 freakin’ bird feeders, who do you think you are?”

Hahahahahahaha, heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee, yeah, I am the culprit. We made 20, or so, bird feeders on Saturday afternoon. You know, the pine cone, peanut butter and bird seed ones. By the way, they are messy as shit to make, but The Tribe loved the project. We also put a feeder up in the big ol’ tree in our front yard. It has actually been pretty cool to watch the birds eat, we have seen some pretty ones, but I forgot that they wake early. Sorry Big Guy, and neighbors! LOL.

As I mentioned in my last post I have decided to make some more changes in my life. You all know that I work part time, just 12 hours a week, as a nurse, babysit my nephews 2 or 3 days a week, part time professionally blog for b5media on Diabetes Notes, and of course write my little heart out at Gaga, but I have decided to take on another blog.

I am going to be writing for A Hearty Life, part of b5media. I am very excited. I have been a cardiac nurse for the last 8 years, so I have a passion for cardiac research, resources and everyday findings. Now I get to write about it, yee ha!!! I know, what a dork, right? Oh well, if he shoe fits…

And even bigger yet, I am going to be the CE, Science and Health Channel editor for b5media. So damn excited about that one!!!! Over the last 2 months I have come to know my CE, Hsien-Hsien Lei, a PhD none the less, and she is such a cool person. She has that personality that is go out and get er’ done, take no prisoners, I know what I want, self assured and has the shit to back it up. Ahh, a perfect match for me, LOL!

But seriously, she has done such a great job over the past year and a half at b5media, but it is time for her to get back to her passion, science and genetics. She will be writing at Eye on DNA and hasn’t made any definites on what is to follow. One thing is for sure, she will be missed and I have some pretty big damn shoes to fill. Gidde’ up, I am ready to ride!

So there you have it. I am nervous, anxious and overly excited about what lies ahead. Channel me some of your get it goin’ on girl energies.

And in the words of Veronica Corningstone, “I will have you know that I have more talent, and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir. You look like a blueberry. Well, you have bad hair. I said, your…hair…looks…stupid!”

Side note: The Boss lost another tooth, isn’t she flippin’ adorable?

Do you think I suffer from that fatigue syndrome? I swear, I am always freakin’ tired. Yawn, yawn, yawn. Maybe I have a neurological problem or something? I seriously have to drag my big ol’ ass out of bed every morning. Gone are the days of popping up before the alarm and a chipper, “good morning ya’all”. Nope, it is all, “shit, I am soooo tired, can you hit the snooze button, why don’t I sleep at night, good god ya’all”.

Let’s explore the reasons that could possibly be behind the whole tired as shit thing:

1. There is something gravely wrong with me! (Unlikely but possible)

2. The Babe does not sleep, EVER. She gets up 2 or 3 times a night and for the last month or so has ended up in our bed, taking up more than her fair share of room. (Might be getting closer!)

3. The Big Guy snores repeatedly and VERY loudly every flippin’ night of his life. Every hour or so I am awoken thinking that my hubby is some sort of machinery that is powered and ready to go, yeah but we all know that is some sort of dream, could it be, no, shit it is just him and he is so not “ready” to go, damn it! Honestly, it is so loud. I have even held his nose before and had visions of the pillow over his face, hahaha! (Could be a reason)

4. I am hyper active and have trouble turning my brain off. (Uh huh)

5. All of the above plus The Boss and M3 getting up with bad dreams and necessary, so they say, bathroom breaks and water breaks. What the hell are they doing that they need to be rehydrate at 3 in the morning? (I think we have found it)

So there you have it. I think that all of the above combined makes for a pretty tired mama. Plus the whole, full time mommy, part time nurse, part time blogger, professional blogger, new responsibilities that come along with the before mentioned that I can not share yet, and all the other wonderful duties that you all can understand and validate for me. LOl!

I know that all ya’all, yeah I said it, hee hee, can relate to the tired thing and that I am soooo not alone! Thank goodness I know so many that will break it down real deal style and not make me feel like a failure or just a tired bitch that needs to shut on up.

On with our day, we are going to finish getting our veggie garden in check, we made it bigger this year. Apparently The Big Guy has some notion that we are going to “live of the land”. He is channeling his roots, they were farmers, though not very good ones. My roots are go to the damn store and buy what the hell you need but I like a fresh salad and The Tribe enjoys watching it all grow, so I play along.

I got some pretty cool stuff going on this week. I can’t share it as of yet, but after Tuesday I will blab, blab, blab like I know how to do! LOL.

I have been begging The Big Guy to do a guest post for me, his take on our wonderful life, but he just laughs. I will keep on him, hee hee, no really, though. He is funny as shit!

In the words of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, “Aaahhhhhhhh, come to me my jungle friends!!!!”

There are so many things floating around in my crazy ass head right now. I worked today in good ol’ poopy paradise and had a shitin’ good time. Good fellow health care professionals working alongside me and we even got free grub from Boston Market at lunchtime. We had an in-service and in order to get our hyper, OCD, goofy big asses to sit down, they have to offer free food.

I think it is safe to say that nurses have a distinct personality, at least for the most part. There are some boring biatches that I work with, but for the most part we all get along very well. Even our Greg Fockers are flippin’ funny and bring humor to the day.

Where else on earth can you be in shit up to your elbows, have shit smeared on the walls, blood splattered on your shoes, mucous in eye level suction containers 2 inches from your head, see 32 penis’ and 20 vagina’s, hell even say the word vagina out loud without a double take from anyone around, put a tube up those same body parts, put a tube up the nose into the belly, tie down a crazy ass confused person, get kicked and called a bitch, do CPR and push medicines to save a life and hold someones hand while they die all in the same day? Ahh, nursing. I love it!!

That is why I say the personality thing. You have to deal with some serious shit, laugh 50% of the time, be comfortable with being oushy and assertive and have empathy and sincerity. But you know what, we have a good time. Even among all the chaos of running around and being overworked and understaffed, we like what we do. It makes the time pass.

Hell, half way through the day we talked about sex, sagging body parts, lack of sex drive, depression medications and penis girth, yeah I said it, when we had a few minutes to kill. I bet a lot of you don’t conversate on those topics at work! LOL.

Oh boy, what a day. I was also reminded about the importance of family and quality of life. I helped a family decide to make thier family member a palliative, hospice patient. Why is it that doctors can’t say the word death but we can march right in the room, hold the family members hand and say, “Your mom is dying, lets do what she would want and make her comfortable. Give her that final gift”.

Anyway, the family was great and it just reminded me how much I love my family and how important it is to live one day at a time. If this isn’t the pot calling the kettle black, huh, but fortunately for me I have these very real situations to remind me of all this and help keep it “real”.

So yeah, now I am going to kiss my girls on their foreheads and whisper mommy loves you” in their sleeping ears and then go kiss and hug my hubby. I am going to tell The Big Guy how much I love him and that I think he is a great daddy, hubby and best friend. Cause guess what? We only get one time around and you better make it good!

I might even give him some good lovin’, wink, wink, if you know what I mean! LOL. Why does it always come back to the ol’ who-ha?

One final statement: In the words of Jim Halpert, “Bears beats battlestar gallatica”!!!!! Looooovvvvveee The Office!

Anyone out there have any romance going on right now? If you do, screw you! Haha. Yeah, it is about gone right now up in our neck of the woods. I think it is part tiredness, part laziness and a huge part Effexor. I have NO sex drive. I look at The Big Guy and think, hells yeah, but when it comes time to put the plan in motion I am like, “You want to play the massage game? I will do your feet, if you do mine”.

Which means we are relying solely on his sex drive! Well shit, hmmm, let me say it is less than stellar these days. “Do you wanna snuggle?” No you freak! I wanna do it! And I want to do it now, now come the hell on and get this party started. That would be what my brain is saying. My body is still laying there in the don’t even think about touching me position.

Can we please seal the deal? For the love of god, grant me some sex drive. Gimme that steamy, hot for you, you are so fine, I am going to ravish your body and take no prisoners kind of feeling that I long for! Ugh….come on Big Guy, take note and start your engines.

I am gonna buy him some Ginseng or something. Maybe some Red Bull! Maybe I will slip a little somepin’ in his drink. Well, I won’t go that far, but you get my drift.

If The Babe would go to bed and stay in her bed it would probably help. If we didn’t get up at the ass crack of dawn, didn’t have a tv in the bedroom and dumped our laptop it would probably help matters too. Oh, the joys of being 30 something with 3 little ones and zero sex drive. I’m stumped! LOL!

I haven’t bitched about The Big Guy for quite some time now. He has been more than “good”. I think as he gets older he settles more and more into the routine of our life as we know it. BUT he pissed me off a short bit ago. Maybe it is me being tired, or moody, or fuzzy from f’ed up blood sugars or plain out a bitch, but I am pissed and offended.

Let me set it up for ya. Bedtime. Showers have been given, pajamas are on, 101 meds given to The Babe and it is time to simmer down and tuck in for the night. It is a bit early, but The Tribe is VERY tired since they woke at the ass crack of dawn this weekend and have been going a mile a minute in the very warm weather. I had to wake their little butts up this AM. Yeah, what a joke. This weekend they were dressed before 6 AM and today, “no mommy, I’m tired, can’t we sleep more”.

Anywho, getting back to this evening, I am trying to get everyone to calm down and understand that yes indeed I am serious, and it is time for bed. The Babe is screaming a pissin’ fit and The Boss and M3 are bouncing off their beds like they have springs attached to their asses! I am at my wits end. I didn’t work today but I did get 3 kids dressed, off to school, change bed sheets, fold laundry, pick up my mom and take her to physical therapy and Target, get The Boss off the bus, drop my mom off at home, make dinner while playing with my 3 and the neighbors kids on the swing set, clean up dinner, get showers done, lay out clothes for AM, fold more laundry. I managed to do most of this with no attitude and a smile on my face.

Well, guess what friends? That freakin’ smile is gone! I look in our bedroom and what do I see, The Big Guy laying across the bed watching the baseball game and playing around on the laptop. Oh hell no!!! I lost it a bit. “You know what, you son of a bitch, I haven’t sat down all day either, why don’t you go in and read Ali a story. Can you help me a little hear asshole!” Not very nice, but I felt better after saying it.

I know that he worked today and came home to a very hassled dinner table and kids all jacked up on sugar and some sort of solar power that for some reason just doesn’t penetrate anyone above the age of 21, but come the shit on. You know? When is my flippin’ break? When do I get to take a 45 minute shit? When do I get to take a piss without The Babe telling me my pubic hair is nasty? When do I get to lay across the bed before 9:30 PM and leisurely watch whatever the hell I want?

I know, I know, when I became a mom I gave all those rights up, but I can still bitch about it. I will just pretend in my crazy ass head that pissin’ and moaning will make a difference and poof, that The Big Guy won’t have to be told what to do at bedtime (after 6 years of being a daddy!).

I love him so much, but god damn is he a freakin’ jackass sometimes. It’s like he thinks with that cute ass of his! LOL….

“Birfdee party in the park, yeeeah. We have a parrrtyyy!” goes The Babe.

Earth Day in the park would be what she was talking about. It was gorgeous out, 80 degrees and sunny! My sis and her two boys came with us. The Big Guy even went along for the flippin’ ride! To be honest, he only came because he was worried about me and my blood sugar shit that is going on.

Yeah, that blood sugar thing sucks my big ol’ butt. Up in the 300’s, then low in the 50’s. I feel like shat to be truthful. My body is tired and I have a constant headache. My stomach doesn’t know which way to go, out the mouth or out the butt. Unfortunately neither one is happening which just leads to an upset belly all god darn day.

Oh well, no good worrying about it, it won’t change a freakin’ thing. Hopefully lab results will be conclusive. Knowing my luck, they won’t and I will have to be poked and prodded. Oh hell!

The good thing it is the weekend so The Big Guy is here with me all day. It is funny how safe I feel with him. Not that he knows anything about diabetes or health related issues but I know he will take care of me. He has so many times before! Knee surgeries, eclamptic pregnancies, hemorrhaging, hysterectomies, blood transfusions, back surgery, and all kinds of other breakdowns. God bless that man. Not that I haven’t weathered some bull shit with him but that is a whole nother story. LOL!

My goal for the next day is to keep my blood sugar between 90 and 200. Isn’t it a load of shit that there has to be that much effort put into food and crap??? Gimme a break, but it could be worse. I don’t have to use insulin and I don’t need a pump and I am not going through chemotherapy and I don’t need dialysis and I don’t have lupus and……. So yes, I am complaining whoa is me but I realize it is not the end of the world. Just a little scary right now.

Now it is my turn….The Big Guy will ask me five questions, to which I will give my best educated, well thought-out freakin’ answers!

Here it goes…

1. Who is tops on your “5 celebrities list I get a free pass for” list now?

2. What is my most redeeming feature?

3. Why don’t you like movies? I mean, honestly. Normal people like to watch movies. Is your attention span that short?

4. If you have a choice of a last meal, what would it be?

5. What were you thinking when we bought our 3rd dog? I can’t stand the little f’er!

“He is such an asshole. I mean, come on, this is what he comes up with!” Here are the answer….

1. Oh boy, lemme think…I would have to say John Krasinski, that gangly, tall dorky m-f’er on the office. He is yummy in a weird, goofy way. But then again…Ron Livingston could come on over and….LOL!

2. Well, the one I can talk about in public? Haha. I would say your wit and charm. You are very empathetic also, very nice quality in a man.

3. You are a big fat puckering assholian!! I don’t like your stupid shitin’ movies jackass.

4. Salad with blue cheese dressing, french onion soup and an entire cheesecake. Oh yeah, and cherry coke zero to wash it down.

5. You are such a liar. First of all, you and the girls fell in love with the little shit and bought him. Second, you lay on the couch and in bed and rub his belly and cuddle with him, you big quack. Also, you love bragging about his junk, “Will you look at that little dogs wanger, I mean that is impressive, you know he takes after me!” Whatever Big Guy! Hee hee.

Well, did I answer with what he thought?

“You answered them like I thought, the first I knew, second yeah, third whatever, fourth uh huh and fifth, you are a liar!!”

And there you have it. By the way he couldn’t expand on his answers due to the fact that he was watching a very important movie, I mean groundbreaking, one of his faves, Bring It On. Uh huh, thats right, the cheerleading movie. Hahahahahheeheehehee. My hubby likes a cheerleading movie. Oh how I love that manly muscular tall handsome weenie! LOL.

Over the lunch table…

M3: “How do we get babies in our belly?”

Mommy: OMG, “What do you mean?”

M3: “When we are grown up and want babies, how are they put in there?”

The Babe: Pointing to her belly, “Grow in your belly, naaassstty!”

Mommy: Blank stare and disbelief, “Well, when you get bigger and ….

M3: “I mean, when daddy loved you and you wanted K, how did his love make a baby grow?”

Mommy: Smiling at her pureness and seriousness, “Daddy and Mommy loved each other very much, so we were able to create a baby inside my belly to love for always, that was Kaelyn, you and then Ali.”

The Babe: Smiling at me and putting her arms out for a hug, “I looovvee you my mommy and my daaaaaaddddeee too!”

Mommy: Thinking I escaped, “So when you get to be older and find someone that you love like…”

M3: “Duh, I know that mommy, but what inside of you catches daddies love and forms a baby? Is it there from when we are little and grows later when we are big?”

Mommy: Oh, how I wish The Big Guy was here, “Mommies have eggs inside us that grow when we fall in love, like I did with daddy, and they grow bigger to become a baby. The eggs are so little you can’t see them and they are there our whole lives till we find that special love, like your daddy! That is when they are allowed to grow into a pretty little girl, like you and your sisters, or a boy like your cousins.”

M3: Looking at me like she wants to ask more, “Oh, that is good, my eggs will fall in love one day and make babies too. Hear that Ali, you have eggs that will be a baby!”

The Babe: Making a funny face, “Nassstttyyy!”

Isn’t parenting fun? Where the hell is the guide for this shit? Let me know how you think I did with my answers. Be kind, remember, my blood sugar is all out of wack. LOL!!!!

“I faurrrted mommy”

“Uh huh, everyone farts”

“Ohhh, mommy your breath is naaasssstty, no talk now, brush teef”

Yup, that is what I woke up to. I felt like saying, “if you don’t like my breath, then go in your own freakin’ bed and sleep, you little….”. But I love that little boogie face, so I just smiled and tickled the hell out of her.

I need a little pick me up after my day yesterday. As some of you have deduced from my ramblings, I am a diabetic. Diet and exercise controlled, but none the less, I have to check my sugars daily and keep myself in check. Well, after lunchtime yesterday, I did not feel well and thought I was going to pass out. I mean, I felt like shit!

I checked my sugar, 540. Holy fuddruckers. I have never ever been high like that before. I always keep myself in the 80’s, with an occasional high of 130. But 540, oh it was scary! It took 5 hours for it to come below 300 and The Big Guy had to come home early due to my “fuzzy” head. I have a Dr’s appointment tomorrow AM. Sucks though, I couldn’t go to work today, I need to keep a close check on the blood sugar thing and can’t think when I get high like that. Thinking would be essential in that whole nursing thing. LOL!

So yeah, I am scared to eat anything. I did have a low carb, low sugar yogurt, all 80 calories of it and 2 carbs, and my sugar soared to 240. Well damn. Who the hell knows. I am educated in diabetes, teach my patients all the time and even write for a diabetic site, but I feel clueless.

It is so flippin’ scary when it is happening to you, you know? All I have to say is thank god I am medicated with the ol’ anxiety stuff, or I would be broken out in hives right now.

And The Babe and M3 are giving me a run for my money today. Oh, how I miss poopy paradise at times. And on top of everything my bleep bleepin’ bleep fingertips are so damn bruised from checking my sugar a thousand times over the last day. Ugh!

First thing first, I am so saddened and appalled at what occurred at Virginia Tech today. I have shed some tears over this, it could be anywhere and happen to anyone. What the hell is wrong with god damn people? Excuse my language but come the shit on! Is so damn scary.

The Big Guy sent me this email, “time to home school the kids, straight through college”. Yeah, if only that was the answer. Unfortunately the kids need to learn to deal with differences and fend for themselves. We as parents can give them that strong foundation and hope above all hope that they use it to their fullest potential. Once again how flippin’ scary.

All part of being a parent I guess. I have it good right now. I may not sleep through the night, ever piss alone, or get a night out on the town with my stud muffin, but I know where the little boogers are at all parts of the day. Still, with The Boss in school full day, that horrible thought does pass through every so often.

My heart goes out to the families, friends, colleagues, and all affected by this shooting today. I have seen to many big and bads in my lifetime. 9/11, Columbine, Challenger, Reagan being shot, Multiple school shootings, Oklahoma City, Tsunami’s, Hurricane Katrina, and so many more. I know there will be more, but I just pray that we have the strength to deal with all the craziness that is sure to be ahead!

Back to lighter times. I owe apologies. I haven’t had time lately to read my regular blogs and comment on others witty ass charm and funny freakin’ happenings. I enjoy keeping current on so many of your lives. It’s kinda strange how you become familiar with each other without ever laying eyes on each other. Actually pretty shitin’ neat.

I have thrown some extra shifts in there at poopy paradise and been busy with The Tribe, nephews and my mom. Remember, she had her knee replaced 3 weeks ago or so, she totally rocks! She is all around town, moving and shaking. We just need to get the ROM thing going.

So yeah, I have been a shit with the whole blog thing. Hardly had time to take a…well you know. I will hopefully get back on the ol’ saddle this week and catch up with all that I have been missing.

And as always a random good quote from Brian Fantana of the channel 4 news team…”60% of the time it works, every time”.