Gaga For Lulu

It’s been a freakin’ long time, huh? How the hell are y’all? I’ve been wanting to write for days, hell weeks, but I haven’t managed to scrounge up more than a few minutes. But tonight I have exactly 4.3 minutes so here we go…

Top five quotes from my house over the last week…

1. “Mommy, I can’t get the thingie outta my ghina.”

2. “Mommy, Syd drew a picture of a wienie.”

3. “What happens when we die?”

4. “Mommy, you used to be sooooo pretty. Now you’re kinda okay.”

And the best was from The Big Guy while he was laying on the bathroom floor after drinking 3 bottles of wine with my sisters on Thanksgiving. Oh boy what a fun night, but at least it gave me a couple of good laughs…

5. “I know you want me. Look at me. I’m hoooottttt!”

Picture this… The Big Guy, all 6′6″ of him, standing there watching the ladies dance… with each other. Um-huh, with each other and in no way do I mean a friendly be boppin’ kinda way but a bump and grindin’ kind of way!

Yes, The Big Guy and I had a date night on Sunday evening. And where did we go you ask? To one of the number 1, most premiere, oldest nightclub’s around our lovely city… The Hippo. The Hippo??????? Yes that would be a gay bar. We had a flippin blast.

We actually went with another married couple, heterosexual, who we have known for a very long time. We met a bunch of female couples that our friends go to church with. But it was seriously a good time had by all. The music was loud as hell, it was very smoky indeed and the dance floor was rocking. It took me right on back to my younger days!

And I would like to state a fact that in no way did I get up on a speaker and dance my ass off with a transgendered, horribly dressed individual like someone else I know. You know who you are!!!!! Hahahahahaha.

The Big Guy totally got checked out a few times. He just smiled and laughed it off. He is very secure in his “man hood”. Now he didn’t get a drink bought for him like a certain other male person, but thats the breaks. And you know who you are as well! (and now you can cross that off your “to accomplish in life” list).

I would totally go back! But this time I will not wear high heels cause my feet are still aching. GD bunions! I don’t think in his younger years The Big Guy would have gone for it, but he was cool this time around. I think secretly he was hoping to see some young, attractive, tightly dressed lady couples. You know that whole “every man’s dream” thing… I have no idea what he saw but it sure did get me some sweet lovin’, hahahahaha!

You wanna know true love? My hubby bought me yeast infection cream and “applicator thingies” (as he says) tonight at the Target pharmacy! Uh huh, apparently he slapped the big ass blue and white box right on up there and said, “hold on, I need to grab something else real quick”. He also brought home a bag of Hershey mini’s. OMG is he the bomb or what?

I guess I have to reward the Big Guy. GD this yeaster. It makes things so much more complicated and I have to put forth effort. Well damn, gonna be a good night for the ol’ Big Guy! Hahaha.

How was your High School 2 experience? Ahh… Troy and Gabriella. I actually giggled when they kissed at the end, which I had to explain to my girls was ONLY something that older teenagers around 18 years old do. Ha, right? I might as well try to put some morals and fear in them, though we all know won’t be followed or listened to! Oh well, that is life.

But come on with the makeup thing. Why did they put so much girlie eyeliner, blush and cover up on that teen heart throb Zac? And they died that pretty girl’s hair so dark that she looked like Annette Funichello. It was so OUR GREASE!!!! Funny how it all comes full circle.

We had a pajama party on the pull out sofa bed and set up popcorn, soda and pillows everywhere. It was fun for the kiddies. The Big Guy was a trooper and watched the whole damn thing. I don’t remember any of the songs this morning. I suppose that will come after I see it 500 times over much like the first movie.

Funny though, The Boss was crying hysterically when Troy and Gabriela broke up, “No, mommmyy, they are suppose to be together, foreeevvvveeeerrr!” So cute, so naive. I wish they could always stay like that.

What did you think about the movie? I really didn’t like it as much, but I am sure it will grow on me. Like some unwanted mole or something. And I do think they are a group of talented kids. They can sing, dance and act. Well kind of on the acting thing. Troy’s serious face does get on my damn nerves though!!!! Hahaha.

Picture it… 5PM…Chik-fil-a…my sister’s boys and my girls in the play tubes…the door swings open…

The Boss, “Moooommmmmmmm, Ali peed in the tubes and she is sitting in it!!!!!!”

Mommy,  “Ssshhhhhh, I’m coming, hold on a sec”

M3,  “Moommmmyyyy, Ali peed all over the tubes and she woon’t come down!”

My nephew,  “Aunt K, Ali is sitting in her tinkle.  And she peed a whole lot!”

Mommy (very quietly under my breath while I am entering the play tubes), “Thank you guys and shut the hizell up, the whole damn place does not need to know.  Why me????  Why not when daddy has them out.  Now that would be funny!”

By this time I am half way up the tubes with 1000 napkins in my hands and a roll of Lysol wipes.  And my, oh my are those tubes a tight fit for a big ol’ 5′9″ mommy!  So yeah, I had to strip The Babe down and wipe all the very warm, stinky pee pee up.   Then I lysol’ed her legs, feet and the entire tube area that got the “shower”.

So, do I tell the very old, frail, pale, partially blind, hard of hearing, cute as hell old lady that is wiping tables down to climb her skinny butt up there and give it a once over?  Of course not, I get on back up there and clean the hell out of that thing.  It was probably the first time it has been wiped down in a year.  Hell, Chik-fil-a should be thanking my little devil and giving us a free milkshake.  Their tubes are officially clean now!!! Haha.

I must state that “I do love my dogs”. Not quite like I did before kids, but I am still fond of them. And my kids looovvvveee the dogs, all 3 of them! Especially that little shit, Dexie. He would be the woolly wire hair black and tan piebald mini dachshund. Yes, that is a real name and a pure bread mongrel. He is a treat. And he is currently attempting to lick my face and get his little ass under my arm for some love. Are you kidding, I don’t even have any “love” for The Big Buy tonight.

This is so disgusting, funny, and bizarre all in one. A short while ago I was laying on the sofa with The Big Guy watching some pre season football and Dexie was biting at his tail and acting like a, for lack of a better word, sped! He was running in circles, grunting and pulling at his furry ass tail. So, like a good doggy mommy I decided to actually check what was going on. After all, he had been carrying on all night long. Well, guess what? He had a juniper branch, I had trimmed some bushes earlier today, with all of it’s pine and berries intact half stuck up his ass, half embedded in his tail hair. I pulled it on out ever so gently and needless to say, Dexie is one happy boy! he is all, “thank god this women pulled this frickin’ hard ass stick out of my hole”.

“That is right Dexie, would daddy have done that?” Who’s your momma???? hahaha.

Funny story, but first I have a question. Have you ever had that “together” time with your spouse, partner or whatever you call the other half that makes you whole, gag on that one, where you just can’t stop giggling? Actually it is more like laughing. I mean the kind of “fun” where you are both trying your damnedest to get it going on and get into that groove but all you can do is talk, laugh, giggle, smile and roll your eyes at any serious type of affection. Now eventually, we all get ourselves together and ride that wave all the way to shore, but in the process we aren’t exactly the sex kittens we hoped to be.

Yeah, that would be us. I have to admit it is great to be so damn comfortable with someone that sex can be a funny, haha type activity. And while I am at it, I have one more question. Does your bed squeak? What to do about that. I am so afraid that the kids will come charging into the bedroom wondering why mommy is wrestling daddy to the bed naked style. You know? There has to be a way to get a totally quiet bed. I am gonna google that when I am done here, haha.

Now that I have embedded that image into you head, I will tell you the funny story. As this whole oh la la activity was taking place the damn dogs had stadium seating. Ok, so the lil’ dog was under the bed whining and wagging his tail against the wood floor in a copying rhythm. The old bat of a mutt that we call K-dog was just staring at us from about 2 feet away from the side of the bed and the second our “passion” was over, she was trying to nudge her head between The Big Guy and I. Now the middle dog… he actually lay right next to the bed and at the first break in activity he jumped up on the bed like he was gonna be the third player in our two person game.

Isn’t it bad enough that we have to listen for the kids, barricade the damn door and be as silent as possible? Now, we have to put an arm block on the old bat, stay in constant motion if we don’t want to complete a threesome and make sure the bed doesn’t move too much and kill the lil ass dog that is under it. Why don’t we lock them outside the door you ask? Because then they bark, whine and scrape at the door to you let them in. I swear, I feel like I am being scrutinized by a bunch of mongrels. Come the hell on I say. I can’t perform under pressure, hahaha.

I have 2 funny things to share with you … One is a story and one is just a haha you’re so unlucky everyday of your life kind of thing.

1. This is the unfortunate happenings one, obviously. I look like that character in the Goonies. You know Sloth. The one that Mama apparently dropped on his face when he was a baby and locked in the basement of Fertelli’s restaurant. Uh huh, I am UGLY! I have shingles all over the right side of my face, from my eye to my cheek and the swelling has created a baseball size pocket of black and blue fluid (I guess the skin is thin there so it has bruised).

I am a beauty to say the least. People don’t know what to think. They just stare and I can tell that half of them think I was on the loosing battle of a fist fight and the other half are disgusted. Oh well, I guess what it is, is what it is, but it is very gross indeed. And this crap hurts like I don’t know what. It feels like there is a match on my face! Good news is it will slowly go away and I will be my beauteous self again, hahahaha!

2. Picture this… My 3 girls and I at the doctors to have a kindergarten check up for M3. She is handling everything wonderfully, even answers all those silly questions right through the age of 7 years old, which is good since she is 5. And to think I used to worry. Anyway, back to topic… She needs 4 shots. Holy mother of pearl that is alot I say. She is my toughie though and takes it like a champ. That is until The Boss has to be physically removed from the room due to her hysteria.

” Moooooommmmyyyy, Nooooooooooo, they are hurting her, Noooooooooooo, No needles, make them stop, run, noooooooooooo, booooo hoooo boooo hooooo!!!!!!”

Here comes the extra office staff running in the room to find that it wasn’t even the one receiving the shots but her older sister in the corner of the room, dry heaving over the trash can and screaming like a maniac. OMG is all I can say! I didn’t know whether I should laugh or get upset or hold M3 or hold The Boss or hold The Babe that was now in hysteria as well.

The receptionist took the other 2 out and we calmed them down only to return to a visibly shakin’ 5 year old that was waiting for her shots. So then I had to hold her down while the “nurse” missed 3 times on 1 arm and once on the other. Dude, if your gonna give 4 shots, have them ready to go and bam, bam, bam. Give them quick and get er’ done, you know?

It was such a fun trip. And by the way as I was leaving the office there were 2 lovely, caddy ass, snobby, brats of women in the waiting room discussing my kids and my very ugly swollen face. They had assumed that my hubby had hit me. Oh I felt the fury go through me when I overheard that. First he would NEVER do that, and second if he did, he would look WORSE than me. So I turned and simply said…

“It is herpes on my face, I don’t know where I got it and it is very contageous, so keep an eye out”

Hah, that’ll show them, hahahaha. I felt a lil’ bad for putting the fear of the ol’ herps in them, but sometimes you gotta fight dirty!

Picture this… my sister and I had the 5 kids at the beach, my 3 girls and her 2 boys.  A few days of group baths and washing sand out of cracks that we didn’t even realized existed.  We even got the good ol’ commentary from my older 2.  You know, “your ninnies are smaller than my mom’s but your ghina is bigger.  And there is always, “mommy, why is your butt so much bigger than aunt J’s, and it has more smiley face dimples”.

You got to love kids.  But the best was when I turned the corner to the back bedroom and I saw my youngest having her first gynecological exam.  Now that is a bit of an exaggeration.  The other 4 kiddies were about a foot from her private area just looking away.  And she was giving commentary, “this is my ghina and this is my sweet cheeks and this is my other hole that poopy comes out of”.

Needless to say I stopped the anatomy lesson right then and there while holding back my “holy shit that is so damn funny” laughter.  So everyone goes on their merry ways and we get dressed, do dinner and decide to walk across the street to make a sundae.  And that is when we heard it.  It was clear as day.  It was as loud as a bomb and as funny as I don’t know what.  My youngest lil’ nephew, not even 2, decided to share a little something with the whole damn store…

“My ghina is as big as mommies.  My ghina is right here”

And as he is pointing, we are trying to sush him up.  The whole store is staring and half of the people are laughing.  The other half is looking at us like we should be in jail.  My sis and I are laughing our very tired asses off and when we suggest to my nephew to quiet down and that he is a boy and doesn’t have a ghina.  He becomes louder and more persistent. After 5 minutes he is screaming…

“I want a ghina like my mommies.  Mines a ghina tooooooo!”

Kids are great.  Oh the joys of parenting.  All we could do is laugh and walk the kids back to our place and drink a very big ass bottle of wine!  Ahhh… vacation.

I’m still alive!  I will back in full tomorrow.  It has been SO DAMN busy around these parts.  I miss your everyday happenings and hope to catch up on all tomorrow.  I have a lot to share too.  So, see ya on the flip side.