Gaga For Lulu

Quotes from my ever so loving, honest to the bone, snot nosed lil’ones, better known as The Tribe…

“The helper at school, helped me tie my dress. She is skinny and soooo pretty, not like you…you are chunky, kinda more fat than her.”

“Why aren’t you pretty like Aunt Jessa. I want to look like her when I grow up!”

“Did you used to be smart when you were younger?”

“Daddeee is sooooo much more funner than you, he lets us watch loud movies and eat pizza. You are, like, a little boring.”

“It’s soooo gross that we came out your ghina, it is so nasty and stuff.”

And finally, the big wiener today…

“I wish Mom Mom was our mommy!”

Oh, that last one got me right in the freakin’ gut. M3 was referring to my mother in law, little shit! You know how that goes though, she lets them do whatever the hell they want. I guess I would prefer total whatever the shit I want over rules too. But honestly, couldn’t she have picked someone else. Sweet mother of pearl!

Ugh, I can’t win! But my job is to make sure that those little brats learn to listen well, be respectful and have some type of morals and social graces.

Now, I must run because my youngest feminine angel is wrestling my eldest on the front lawn, screaming at the top of her lungs. Lil’ booger head!!!!

Picture it……………..

Bridal shop looking for bridesmaid dresses for BFF wedding.

The babe, 2, M3, almost 5, Chubs, 3, and Tiny, 1….and Mommy.

Dresses everywhere.

One kid with pants pulled down and “ghina” showing, screaming, “mommee, I godda peeeee”!

One kid peaking under dressing stall, perv, haha.

One kid rolling around, yelling, “yeyyow, yeyyyooowww”! (the name of is elephant toy that was in car)

And finally one kid who was commenting on the dresses and model in them, “mommy, that dress won’t close in the back, your too big for it, why don’t you have underwear on, look at your purple bra. Oh mommy, you wish you could be a princess like me, don’t you”?

You know what, you little…. “first, I couldn’t find clean undies quick enough this AM, so I went commando, second the dress I am trying on is a size 8, standard model size, my ass, and third, I was a damn princess about 8 years ago when I married your father and before I popped 3 kids out of my crouch in 3 years. So there”!!

No, I didn’t really say that out loud to my daughter, but I wanted to. I just said, “lower your voice, shhh, the whole world doesn’t need to know my business, now hush on up, pleeeaasse”! (with my teeth gritted and a smile on my face)

Oh the fun life we lead!

Anyone out there have any romance going on right now? If you do, screw you! Haha. Yeah, it is about gone right now up in our neck of the woods. I think it is part tiredness, part laziness and a huge part Effexor. I have NO sex drive. I look at The Big Guy and think, hells yeah, but when it comes time to put the plan in motion I am like, “You want to play the massage game? I will do your feet, if you do mine”.

Which means we are relying solely on his sex drive! Well shit, hmmm, let me say it is less than stellar these days. “Do you wanna snuggle?” No you freak! I wanna do it! And I want to do it now, now come the hell on and get this party started. That would be what my brain is saying. My body is still laying there in the don’t even think about touching me position.

Can we please seal the deal? For the love of god, grant me some sex drive. Gimme that steamy, hot for you, you are so fine, I am going to ravish your body and take no prisoners kind of feeling that I long for! Ugh….come on Big Guy, take note and start your engines.

I am gonna buy him some Ginseng or something. Maybe some Red Bull! Maybe I will slip a little somepin’ in his drink. Well, I won’t go that far, but you get my drift.

If The Babe would go to bed and stay in her bed it would probably help. If we didn’t get up at the ass crack of dawn, didn’t have a tv in the bedroom and dumped our laptop it would probably help matters too. Oh, the joys of being 30 something with 3 little ones and zero sex drive. I’m stumped! LOL!

Now it is my turn….The Big Guy will ask me five questions, to which I will give my best educated, well thought-out freakin’ answers!

Here it goes…

1. Who is tops on your “5 celebrities list I get a free pass for” list now?

2. What is my most redeeming feature?

3. Why don’t you like movies? I mean, honestly. Normal people like to watch movies. Is your attention span that short?

4. If you have a choice of a last meal, what would it be?

5. What were you thinking when we bought our 3rd dog? I can’t stand the little f’er!

“He is such an asshole. I mean, come on, this is what he comes up with!” Here are the answer….

1. Oh boy, lemme think…I would have to say John Krasinski, that gangly, tall dorky m-f’er on the office. He is yummy in a weird, goofy way. But then again…Ron Livingston could come on over and….LOL!

2. Well, the one I can talk about in public? Haha. I would say your wit and charm. You are very empathetic also, very nice quality in a man.

3. You are a big fat puckering assholian!! I don’t like your stupid shitin’ movies jackass.

4. Salad with blue cheese dressing, french onion soup and an entire cheesecake. Oh yeah, and cherry coke zero to wash it down.

5. You are such a liar. First of all, you and the girls fell in love with the little shit and bought him. Second, you lay on the couch and in bed and rub his belly and cuddle with him, you big quack. Also, you love bragging about his junk, “Will you look at that little dogs wanger, I mean that is impressive, you know he takes after me!” Whatever Big Guy! Hee hee.

Well, did I answer with what he thought?

“You answered them like I thought, the first I knew, second yeah, third whatever, fourth uh huh and fifth, you are a liar!!”

And there you have it. By the way he couldn’t expand on his answers due to the fact that he was watching a very important movie, I mean groundbreaking, one of his faves, Bring It On. Uh huh, thats right, the cheerleading movie. Hahahahahheeheehehee. My hubby likes a cheerleading movie. Oh how I love that manly muscular tall handsome weenie! LOL.

Over the lunch table…

M3: “How do we get babies in our belly?”

Mommy: OMG, “What do you mean?”

M3: “When we are grown up and want babies, how are they put in there?”

The Babe: Pointing to her belly, “Grow in your belly, naaassstty!”

Mommy: Blank stare and disbelief, “Well, when you get bigger and ….

M3: “I mean, when daddy loved you and you wanted K, how did his love make a baby grow?”

Mommy: Smiling at her pureness and seriousness, “Daddy and Mommy loved each other very much, so we were able to create a baby inside my belly to love for always, that was Kaelyn, you and then Ali.”

The Babe: Smiling at me and putting her arms out for a hug, “I looovvee you my mommy and my daaaaaaddddeee too!”

Mommy: Thinking I escaped, “So when you get to be older and find someone that you love like…”

M3: “Duh, I know that mommy, but what inside of you catches daddies love and forms a baby? Is it there from when we are little and grows later when we are big?”

Mommy: Oh, how I wish The Big Guy was here, “Mommies have eggs inside us that grow when we fall in love, like I did with daddy, and they grow bigger to become a baby. The eggs are so little you can’t see them and they are there our whole lives till we find that special love, like your daddy! That is when they are allowed to grow into a pretty little girl, like you and your sisters, or a boy like your cousins.”

M3: Looking at me like she wants to ask more, “Oh, that is good, my eggs will fall in love one day and make babies too. Hear that Ali, you have eggs that will be a baby!”

The Babe: Making a funny face, “Nassstttyyy!”

Isn’t parenting fun? Where the hell is the guide for this shit? Let me know how you think I did with my answers. Be kind, remember, my blood sugar is all out of wack. LOL!!!!

The Babe, M3 and I had another lunch date with The Big Guy today at the ever so exclusive fine dining picnic area of Costco. We try to take the 2 of them out once a month, since they are stuck at home with me all day long. Its no prison sentence, but no walk in the park! LOL.

Getting back to our loverly dining experience. If any of you belong to Costco you already know what I am talking about but for those that don’t I will try to paint the picture for you. When you walk in the store you are right in the middle of jewelry, electronics and random specials.

Well, they always have an exclusive vendor off to the side selling whatever his or her dumb ass product is. I say dumb ass because it is always something that you could get anywhere else for a hell of a lot cheaper but they sell the shit out of it because morons don’t do the math. If it is Costco, it has to be cheaper, right? Whatever.

The vendor today was a young mid twenty something year old with perfectly coiffed hair and meticulous makeup that was dressed to a tee. I mean the pleats in her very sauve’ pants were so straight and deliberate and her silky embroidered long jacket top was shimmery and fit like a second body. She was selling overpriced beaded jewelry. Yeah, annoying as shit!!

Anywho, the bathroom trip. Of course, you knew this was going in that direction because as I have written before, Costco is a fave potty spot. We have to visit it at least once. They have the softest toilet paper this side of the Mason Dixon line.

We walked in the bathroom and headed right for the big stall. You know, handicap, which is totally wrong because my only handicap is my mental state, but we can fit all our asses in that stall. Next to us is a women who is totally unloading. I mean shit must be spraying in every direction. The smell that was emanating under the stall was like a wave of some paralyzing chemical agent.

My girls are laughing at this point and asking ever so quietly, “why does it smell so bad” and “she is making a lot of noises, she is farrrting very loud”. “Sshhhhh”, I say, while laughing my big ol’ pale ass off. When it was my turn on the potty to tinkle, I dropped the roll of paper, well actually the toilet paper thingie fell open and hit my head while the huge paper roll hit the very dirty ground.

I bent over to pick it up and caught a glimpse of the shoes that belonged to Ms. Smelly, noisy, shitty girl next to us. OMG, it was totally Ms. Prim and proper, my shit doesn’t stink, haha, dressed in the finest clothes available women that was selling the overpriced u-g-l-y jewelry.

Hahahaha,heeheeheeeheeeee!!! She tried to do the ol’ wait it out trick. You know what I am talking about. The wait till the other people that just heard you drop the huge turd leaves and then come out of the stall. Guess what? I waited her out. That’s right, I just sat on the toilet talkin’ to the girls about various things till I heard her get up and try to make a run. We scurried out right behind her to wash up and there she was applying her lipstick and poofing her curls in the mirror like she wasn’t that stinky ass biatch that just unloaded the mother of all diarrhea.

Don’t get me wrong, my shit stinks like everyone else’s, but you can look at me and know that. She was so damn snobby as people were perusing her jewelry, I just didn’t expect her to do that in public. And you wanna know the worst part of it? She was applying her lipstick with hands she did’t wash. Yeah, you heard me, she is a dirty biatch as well.

It’s the small things in life that make me smile. Like the horrible misfortune of this fine young lady taking a big fat stinky shit right next to someone that would then turn around and write about it on the Internet. I am so freakin’ evil sometimes. Mwahhahhaa!

Ok, we are going to have some fun with The Big Guy. Get your minds out of the gutter, not that kinda fun, that will come later. Bow chicka bow….focus Kendra. If you all could see the “I am so not into this you are annoying me, why can’t you ever leave me alone” face he is making right now, you would laugh your asses off. Why? Because I’m going to make him flippin’ play anyway.

“Fine I’ll play your silly game!” Thats all I need, so it’s on. You are about to find out how well The Big Guy and I know each other. Cripe, after 13 years and 3 kids, I hope we get something frickin’ right. LOL!

Me Quizzing Him:

1. What first attracted me to you? Hey, I was 6′6″, her imagination went crazy!

2. Where did we first kiss? In her apartment, on the sweet school-supplied couch, in front of her 13″ TV

3. What is my favorite part of your body? heh heh

4. What is my favorite quality that you possess? my wit :p

5. What makes me happiest in life? Being with family

6. What is my biggest fear? losing someone close

7. Who is my best friend? me! then robs

8. What is my dream vacation? Somewhere very warm on a beach

9. What is my goal in life? to raise a great family and be happy

10. If I had one wish, what would it be? liposuction, just kidding

Answers:

1. Whatever Big Guy, I would say it was eyes, sense of humor and mad kissing skillz!

2. He is right

3. He is one sick mother fuddrucker. I love his eyes!!!!

4. He is confident, self assured and funny as all shit

5. He is good. That is it to the tee.

6. Yes, something happening to my girls.

7. Yup.

8. Damn skippy.

9. He is so on it!

10. Asshole!!! That my kids are always happy and secure in life. (He likes my junk in the trunk, trust me, hee hee)

I guess I should reward him for playing nicely. Oh hell, let me gather strength. Maybe he will settle for a foot rub, but I can see it in his “come and get me” eyes, he thinks he is getting something special. It has been a couple of months, I am afraid my number is up. Shit!!!!! LOL.

Oh ,the Joys sent me this list of questions. I did offer in a round about way. Hell I’m not skerd. If anyone is game for a little trivia of their own let me know! I can cook up some good ones.

By the way, check out Oh, the Joys, she is freakin’ hilarious. I sometimes dribble while reading, hey don’t laugh, 3 kids and a hysterectomy will do that to you! LOL.

Here it goes:

How did you meet your significant other and when did you know he/she was THE
ONE?
In college, I was a sophomore and The Big Guy was a lowly ol’ freshman. We both played division 1 ball in college, so I first laid eyes on him when he was drunk and stoned at his baseball initiation. I thought he was disgusting!!! Following fall, we were in some classes together, he cheated off me, we became best friends over a couple of months and va va va voom, realized there was more than friendship. I knew the second we became, how do you say, romantic. The Big Guy was my best friend, knew me inside and out, and could rock my world. Doesn’t get much better!!!

How would you characterize the person you were in high school? In college?

I was unsure of myself in high school. I was an athlete, had many friends, popular, but never really felt like I belonged to one specific crowd. I guess I just hadn’t come in to my own yet. Oh boy, college, I was definitely sure of myself. We had too much fun, I was a very happy go lucky type of person, much less anxious than I am now, but still compulsive about things. We had the cleanest college house of anyone around. Very liked, without giving it much thought.

Tell us about a time in your life when you felt ashamed.

Ooh, tough one. I am going to very honest here. Please don’t judge. After the mess with The Babe, you know hospital for 30 something days, a hell of a lot of surgery and blood transfusions, near death experience, I was hooked on pain pills. It lasted a few months, but I realized 1 day that I wasn’t taking them to do away with pain, but to forget what had just happened and numb myself. I will never forget sitting down with The Big Guy and asking him to help me, I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I thought I was stronger than that. He helped me get through it, I love that man!!

If you could ask a genie to grant you three wishes, what would your wishes be?
(Wishing for more wishes is not allowed.)

1. My kids to be healthy

2. My family to have much happiness

3. Give me the strength I need to get through whatever lies in the flippin’ future.

Do you contest that the National Park Ranger Uniform is the sexiest uniform
there is and, if so, what uniform would, in your opinion, trump that of the
Park Ranger?

Haha. I think a UPS uniform, brown baby, brown. He could ring my bell and deliver his package, hee hee. Or construction, those jeans, with the jacket and hat, yee ha! Something about a man that isn’t afraid to get dirty.

More than a couple of questions popped in my crazy ass head this morning. Where to start, oh boy, oh boy , oh boy!

1. It is the first day of The Tribe’s spring break, so why the hell were they up by 6 AM?

2. Why am I so tired lately? (I am convinced it’s the medicine, but we won’t go there!)

3. Why doesn’t The Big Guy sleep anymore? (I am worried about him, he usually hibernates)

4. Why are the ol’ taters aching so bad? Did I not have the hysterectomy?

5. What is that smell in the fridge?

6. Why is The Boss acting like a pre pubescent tween right now?

7. What is a thirty something old mom suppose to wear? (The mom section sucks, but the teeny bopper section looks like you belong swinging on a pole for dollar bills)

8. Will The Big Guy be able to give me a repeat performance of Saturday night? (I’m praying for this one!!!!! LOL)

So there you have it. My head is all over the place. I am like a flippin’ bouncy ball. Ping, ping, booing! If only my physical self had this much energy!

I do have some exciting news though, the Babblz.com site that the hubs and I started is a third of the way to our target number. Remember, for every 75 names that register, we will give away a smelly nice basket. You even get your choice of flavors! We appreciate everyones support so far, we look forward to getting Babblz.com off the ground.

The Big Guy and I actually went out last night, just us, no kids, in a car, not a minivan! We met with some fellow bloggers that live in our area. Who had a better time? I would say The Big Guy. He got to conversate about advertising, marketing strategies and IT bullshit that I only get 50% of the time.

I finally got to meet Aaron Brazell, technology manager for b5 media, and his wife Nicole. Enjoyed their company. It is always nice when you meet easy going, self assured people. You know, the kind that actually conversate and have something worth while to say. It makes everything so much flippin’ easier!

We also met Greg Gershman from Blogdigger. Nice guy! Listening to them talk, I realized I actually do get this whole blog marketing thing. It is always refreshing to learn new concepts and explore different avenues. It keeps your thinking skills going, you know?

I am definitely out of my comfort zone with some of ths stuff, but that is good. At least that is what The Big Guy says. But what the hell does he know? Haha.

Getting back to last night, it was cool to get out but OMG 12 o’clock is just too late anymore. I know, what a wuss. I’ll admit it, I can’t hang anymore, unless I am working all night (but that is different). I was so piss ass tired driving home. The Big Guy was babbling away in the co-pilot position for the entire drive. He had 5 beers and doesn’t really drink all that much anymore, so he had an earful of nothing to chit chat about. I have no damn clue what he was talking about, I just nodded my head and said, “uhh huh, I know” every few minutes.

Of course, as you can speculate, 5 beers, going out on a “date” and being all geeked up on the IT conversations, he was in a bow chicka bow bow kind of mood. Thats right 12:30 AM and I am expected to perform. Holy shit, I had to pull my energies together and rock his world. LOL!!!!! Anywho 45 minutes later (woo hoo!), we were ready for bed.

So yeah, good night. Got to meet some new people, hang out with my baby and got lucky. It doesn’t get much better! Haha.