Gaga For Lulu

DoggyMama wrote a funny post about search terms used by readers to stumble upon her site. Flippin’ funny! The Big Guy and I always have a good laugh when we index our site stats to see what was searched to reach my Gaga site. Yes, this is considered our smokin’ hot foreplay. LOL.

First of all, before I write the list, I need to share with you this very big secret, Kendra James is a porn star. To bad that aint me! Yes, I share a name with a very lovely, wholesome, young nasty ass girl who is featured in many XXX films.

Kendra James is apparently a popular name though, many searches for it. There was also a famous police brutality case in California a few years back. The unfortunate girls name was, yes you guessed it, Kendra James. Again, obviously not me, but very busy on the search engines.

Now on to Gaga for Lulu. Damn, even I cringed at some of the search terms. What in the hell do I write about? My kids will think I am more than crazy one day when they peruse through my babbling and rants of what I call writing!

Here we go:

1. penish medicine- I suggest you sterilize with alcohol and put that thing away for a while!

2. redheads and sex- Yes, redheads do everything better and yes, the carpet matches the drapes! Hahaha.

3. MILF- The Big Guy thinks so. Haven’t taken a poll lately, I will get back to you.

4. big butt chest explode- Big butt, check. Chest explode, nope. I have no flippin’ clue what the hell this person was looking for. But I would venture to guess some very wrong pictures. LOL.

5. little nappie girl models- Sick mother fuddrucker!!!!

6. baby has red hair, does it change- What is wrong with a little carrot top?

7. pee nighties- ????

8. belly hurts when going poop- Well then, my advice is, push it on out. Have yourself a good one. I could give you The Big Guy’s number to offer some strategies!

9. did lulu get a nose job?- I don’t know. Does she need one?

10. pee accidents in the car- Not since I was 19 and inebriated out of my mind. I might have eatin’ some mushrooms that went bad that night also. Oh hell, those were the days. We had so much flippin’ fun. (don’t judge, life is short, I am a good girl now though)

11. pabst smir- Not my favorite activity or beer.

and 12. hot moms in keds- No, I don’t own a pair, but I am one hot smokin’ fine ass mamma who likes a little lovin’. Haha.

Ok good news. First, my mom had her knee replaced this AM and it went well, I just talked to her and she is gorked up on Dilaudid, some fine medication! I hope she is nice to those nurses and doesn’t give them a hard time, I told her they would medicate her ass into sleep if she does, just kidding!!!! Second, apparently The Big Guy still has it. A nice lady hit on him at lunchtime, to bad she was 75 +years old. She eyed him up and down and asked what size he wore, and told him he was the best lookin’ guy in the place. By the way, I could see her cataracts they were so thick! Haha.

Funny news now, well actually funny story. I took the younger part of The Tribe and The clan, my 2 nephews, to Costco at lunchtime. I had to return some clothes and The Big Guy met us there for lunch. I know, how freakin’ cute. He would never admit it but he just can’t get enough of me, LOL!!!! Of course I made 3 bathroom breaks, why the hell not. Why can’t they all pee at the same time? So, in the bathroom with The Babe and my oldest nephew, Chub Rock (he is 31/2 and 30 lbs, so not so much chubby!), we had an Anatomy lesson:

The Babe: Screams, “I go pee pee in potty, my ghina go pee pee, it smells, it smell nasty”.

Mommy: “Shh, keep your voice down, we will take a bath when we get home. Make sure you wipe good”.

Chub Rock: Who is now taking his turn, “I go pee pee to, but my pee pee comes out my wienie. See.” To The Babe.

The Babe: Loudly screamimg: “Ooohh, His penish is gross, not like daddy’s (I should hope not), his wienie is white.” I have no idea what the hell she is talking about, my husband is of English decent, but whatever.

Chub Rock: “Aunt Kendra (I should have just told him to be quiet at that point) my wienie is straight in the morning when I get up. It sticks out like this (pulling his poor little doohicky in all directions)”.

Mommy: “Shhh, we will discuss this later (holding back laughter).”

The Babe: “I want a wienie like his, no more ghina (sweet mother of pearl, why me?).”

We come out of the stall and I have 3 older ladies just shaking their heads, I honestly think they were disgusted with me. Like I can control what comes out of the mouths of 2 little snot noses. I so wish The Big Guy would have taken them to the bathroom, he would have had a frickin’ heart attack. Why do us Mommies get all the fun?

The Big Guy can still surprise me every now and then. He holds a full time day job contracted to US Army as an IT type project manager. He has also had a company on the side for the last 3 years, a web development, SEO, web commerce type thing. Well, this “thing” as I call it has been fairly successful and has more than supplemented our income. So when I went to his site yesterday to check out any new information he had posted I was surprised to read this, “While it’s been no secret to some, Fresh Yields has temporarily closed it’s doors. Well, that should be door, since it was just the front door to my house”.

What the hell? The Big Guy has decided dedicate his site to his own blog, a blog for Steve, and offer his Internet services no more, at least for now. I was shocked. This is why I love this freakin’ guy, he can annoy the living shit out of me and then go and do something like this for the good of our family. Since his business has slowed over the last few months, there has been no fighting, a lot more kiddie time, and a much better attitude on The Big Guy’s part. All has equaled a lot less stress!

I did what any good wife would do, commented on his blog. LOL!! After that and a good cry, I am a little sad for him, he is a very proud man and I know this decision was a small blow to his ego, I gave him a call and thanked him. Later on I thanked him some more, bow chicka bow, wink wink (just kiddin’, we really fell asleep, that was just me daydreaming for a second).

His first post on his site, Fresh Yields, was an explanation on how he came to this decision. The second was the point of this very flippin’ long winded post of mine. He wrote about Mommy bloggers. He is so damn funny. Now, the article was very complimentary to myself and all of the blogs that usually visit me and the ones’s I frequent. But then he went there and commented on “the white keds wearing”(I’m sorry if he offended anyone, we don’t wear them around B’more anymore) type of do good Mommy’s that paint the world a beautiful shade of pink. You know, the ones that have horseshoes up their asses and shit rainbows. I actually do know some people like this and I would love to piss on their parade, haha.

Go check it out, he called most of us The Joan Jett’s of blogging, hee hee. No, I don’t frequent her music but do take it as a compliment. I must admit, The Big Guy is pretty damn funny. He is witty and very real, no surprise since he is married to me, Queen Bitchy Pants!

My hair is 80% fixed. Edward scissorhands came on over and spent 3 hours trying to fix her big ol’ boo boo. It is looking much better, a little darker than my real color but not pink, magenta, fuchsia or violet. And that is a freakin’ miracle. She did a pretty flippin’ wicked cut too. I feel bad, she is good usually, but damn did she mess my do up! This is the last you will hear of my hair, I promise. The new do better get me some “together” time! LOL!!!!!

You asked for it! Here I am, violet hair, pasty skin, dark circles and all. Be gentle, it was after working 13 hours in poopy paradise with 3 hours of sleep under my belt.

You can’t get the full effect! It is brighter in person. Damn skippy.

I will state a disclosure: It was not her fault!

With that being said, I have frickin’ violet hair. I am a natural redhead, pretty, not too orange. I usually get blond highlights in the summer and in the winter highlights and lowlights with a darker red. My skin gets so damn pasty it will burn your eyes if you look directly at it. My hair has gotten unusually light for being March, so I decided to have it touched up with some additional lowlights.

OMG, it turned flippin’ pink. I think Edward Scissorhand’s official comment was, “Oh shit, what the hell, I have never seen this happen before, your hair has pink streaks, where the blond used to be”. What did she just say? Pink. Oh shit, I have to go and work in poopy paradise tomorrow. She covered my whole head with some type of darker red to try to make it better, but it turned a lovely Barney shade of violet. And that is where it stayed.

I can see it now, “Hi, I’m your RN, I will take care of you today till 7:30 PM”. “The hell you will, you pink haired freak!” Oh yeah, its gonna be good. You know there are fluorescent lights too, better to see my ungodly hair with.

Eddie, Scissorhands that is, said she can do a lift or something on Friday, to strip the hair color and then dye it back to my original copper red hair. Why does this bull honky have to happen to me? The Big Guy could do all he could not to laugh. At least I didn’t have a breakdown over it. But oh, I hate it!!!

“I love The Big Guy, I love The Big Guy, I love the Big Guy.” I am repeating this over and over so what I have to share with you doesn’t alter my admiration for him. Yeah, he has been annoying, gross, and cute all in the same day. Now, be gentle, he has been sick and doesn’t feel well at all, puke and poops. He is a shell of a man, all greasy haired, stinky breathed, pale faced, smelly assed with pants that could walk on their own!

This is a list of 5 quotes that The Big Guy has used in the last 24 hours:

1. Cute one- “Damn, you are the TMZ of diabetes, I am proud of you, you interviewed a D list celebrity, I haven’t even done that yet.” He was trying to make me feel good, he is so damn adorable some times. He even bragged about me to his mom.

2. Annoying one- “My belly still hurts, I still don’t feel well.” That is the nineteenth time he has said that now, I..don’t..care!

3. Gross one- “My shit is water still, do you want to see it?” Now that is freakin’ sexy.

4. Annoying one- ” I think I lost 10 pounds, yeah, the scale says it, do you see a difference?” Hell, I have been trying to lose 10 pounds now for 2 months and that bitch goes and throws up for 2 days and drops the weight like nothing. Now, I am pissed to shit. He will pay for this!!!!

This is the big kahuna, the big mamma, the mother of all disgusting, gross phrases. My Big Guy who stands 6′6″ and is a muscular 250 lbs says to me:

5. “I just farted and it was a wet one, I think I shit my pants. Oh, wet fart, I need to change my underwear.” Damn skippy, he used the word wet fart. By the way, this is the second occurrence of such over last 2 days. OMG, he is so damn gross!!!!!

How many days will it take to get that picture out of my head? Ain’t no lovin’ going on in this neck of the woods any time soon. That sick bastard!

Courtesy of Hsien-Hsien Lei’s blog Cotten-Pickin’ Days and blaugh.com…

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, “Bartender, got any specials
today?” Bartender answers, “Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink,
invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon
Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.” The guy asks, “Good grief, what do you call that?”
The bartender replied, “It’s a “Pabst Smir.”