Gaga For Lulu

Why is The Big Guy so damn difficult at times? All I want is some cooperation, but no, he has to push the envelope and irritate the flippin’ shiznit out of me. I wonder where M3 gets it from? Men are just a different breed sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, but come the hell on!

Why does an AM crap take 40 minutes? Mind you, that is with the shower running the whole time, and laptop in tow, so I have no hot water and have to Lysol the keyboard. Yeah thats right, he is gross. And why is his only morning responsibility to shit, shower and shave? Honestly!

This leads me to his lunch time escapades, which are about 90 minutes long at whatever restaurant he wants, all by himself, in total silence. Hell, he can even take a pee afterwards if he wants. And then I get a whiny ass phone call or email, or even twitter message, yes he is now twittering me, that he has to attend a 3 hour meeting. Boo hoo!!!

I would love to say, “I really don’t give a flying wet poo”, but I play along and say my I love you with as minimal complaining as possible. We have to keep The Big Guy happy. If he is happy, we are happy!

5 PM and I am at my wits end, the kids have usually taken control of the house and I am looking out the front door for that maroon ass Saab to come around the corner. Now, why have I not learned my lesson? He comes in, I get exited to see him, and I get “I will be right down, I’m gonna go to the bathroom”. “Oh, I ‘m sorry, I guess your 2 shits and hours of silence wasn’t enough for you, jackass?” I know that is not totally fair, he makes the bulk of our income, but damn it, I want a turn in the bathroom without a critique of my pubs, hysterectomy scar or smelly doo.

Dinner is served. I hear, “I had a big lunch, I’m not that hungry.” I am seeing red by now. Why do I even make dinner? Next week they are all getting ding dang hot dogs and macaroni.

I can’t complain too much about dishes or bathtime because he does help with that. I would assume that is why after bathtime he heads back to the bathroom and gets on the computer oblivious to night time routine and The Tribe’s fury running around the bedrooms. Is he hearing impaired? Or just stupid? And what the hell is wrong with his flippin’ ass? How many poops can one man take?

Get the hell up and help! “I am not your Mommy, if you want that go live on Roger’s Street. I don’t want to have to tell you, just do it.” Lost cause, but I still repeat it at least 4 times a week.

Now I feel kinda bad shittin’ all over My Big Guy as I look at him laying next to me in bed, all cute flipping in between NCAA b-ball and figure skating, hee hee. His hair is all cut and he shaved a new goatee, smells kinda good, well sorta good. Oh boy, I can feel my anger receding and my stupid self is getting all lovey dovey. Yeah, it’s on, chicka chicka bow bow, LOL!!!!

A couple quick freakin’ questions before I head out on my next expedition:

1. Are spaghettio’s considered a real lunch?

2. How can The Babe draw a mural on the wall 3 feet from where I am sitting without me seeing her?

3. Why does the sound of M3’s voice sound like fingernails across a blackboard?

4. Why does the nurse at The Boss’s school call me at least once a week?

5. When will “together” time be HOT again?

6. Why do I hate bobble dolls, that was for you Big Guy?

7. Why does a government meeting for the The Big Guy last 3 hours discussing agenda and a meeting about resuscitation status and life support last 15 minutes?

Finally,

8. Do I even care what the answers are?

Ok good news. First, my mom had her knee replaced this AM and it went well, I just talked to her and she is gorked up on Dilaudid, some fine medication! I hope she is nice to those nurses and doesn’t give them a hard time, I told her they would medicate her ass into sleep if she does, just kidding!!!! Second, apparently The Big Guy still has it. A nice lady hit on him at lunchtime, to bad she was 75 +years old. She eyed him up and down and asked what size he wore, and told him he was the best lookin’ guy in the place. By the way, I could see her cataracts they were so thick! Haha.

Funny news now, well actually funny story. I took the younger part of The Tribe and The clan, my 2 nephews, to Costco at lunchtime. I had to return some clothes and The Big Guy met us there for lunch. I know, how freakin’ cute. He would never admit it but he just can’t get enough of me, LOL!!!! Of course I made 3 bathroom breaks, why the hell not. Why can’t they all pee at the same time? So, in the bathroom with The Babe and my oldest nephew, Chub Rock (he is 31/2 and 30 lbs, so not so much chubby!), we had an Anatomy lesson:

The Babe: Screams, “I go pee pee in potty, my ghina go pee pee, it smells, it smell nasty”.

Mommy: “Shh, keep your voice down, we will take a bath when we get home. Make sure you wipe good”.

Chub Rock: Who is now taking his turn, “I go pee pee to, but my pee pee comes out my wienie. See.” To The Babe.

The Babe: Loudly screamimg: “Ooohh, His penish is gross, not like daddy’s (I should hope not), his wienie is white.” I have no idea what the hell she is talking about, my husband is of English decent, but whatever.

Chub Rock: “Aunt Kendra (I should have just told him to be quiet at that point) my wienie is straight in the morning when I get up. It sticks out like this (pulling his poor little doohicky in all directions)”.

Mommy: “Shhh, we will discuss this later (holding back laughter).”

The Babe: “I want a wienie like his, no more ghina (sweet mother of pearl, why me?).”

We come out of the stall and I have 3 older ladies just shaking their heads, I honestly think they were disgusted with me. Like I can control what comes out of the mouths of 2 little snot noses. I so wish The Big Guy would have taken them to the bathroom, he would have had a frickin’ heart attack. Why do us Mommies get all the fun?

The Big Guy can still surprise me every now and then. He holds a full time day job contracted to US Army as an IT type project manager. He has also had a company on the side for the last 3 years, a web development, SEO, web commerce type thing. Well, this “thing” as I call it has been fairly successful and has more than supplemented our income. So when I went to his site yesterday to check out any new information he had posted I was surprised to read this, “While it’s been no secret to some, Fresh Yields has temporarily closed it’s doors. Well, that should be door, since it was just the front door to my house”.

What the hell? The Big Guy has decided dedicate his site to his own blog, a blog for Steve, and offer his Internet services no more, at least for now. I was shocked. This is why I love this freakin’ guy, he can annoy the living shit out of me and then go and do something like this for the good of our family. Since his business has slowed over the last few months, there has been no fighting, a lot more kiddie time, and a much better attitude on The Big Guy’s part. All has equaled a lot less stress!

I did what any good wife would do, commented on his blog. LOL!! After that and a good cry, I am a little sad for him, he is a very proud man and I know this decision was a small blow to his ego, I gave him a call and thanked him. Later on I thanked him some more, bow chicka bow, wink wink (just kiddin’, we really fell asleep, that was just me daydreaming for a second).

His first post on his site, Fresh Yields, was an explanation on how he came to this decision. The second was the point of this very flippin’ long winded post of mine. He wrote about Mommy bloggers. He is so damn funny. Now, the article was very complimentary to myself and all of the blogs that usually visit me and the ones’s I frequent. But then he went there and commented on “the white keds wearing”(I’m sorry if he offended anyone, we don’t wear them around B’more anymore) type of do good Mommy’s that paint the world a beautiful shade of pink. You know, the ones that have horseshoes up their asses and shit rainbows. I actually do know some people like this and I would love to piss on their parade, haha.

Go check it out, he called most of us The Joan Jett’s of blogging, hee hee. No, I don’t frequent her music but do take it as a compliment. I must admit, The Big Guy is pretty damn funny. He is witty and very real, no surprise since he is married to me, Queen Bitchy Pants!

My hair is 80% fixed. Edward scissorhands came on over and spent 3 hours trying to fix her big ol’ boo boo. It is looking much better, a little darker than my real color but not pink, magenta, fuchsia or violet. And that is a freakin’ miracle. She did a pretty flippin’ wicked cut too. I feel bad, she is good usually, but damn did she mess my do up! This is the last you will hear of my hair, I promise. The new do better get me some “together” time! LOL!!!!!

The Big Guy gave me 5 minutes of his precious ass time. It was at the beginning of the Maryland game, so he gets a big ol’ flipin’ star. Turn your volume up and laugh away. Yes, I was born and raised outside “Balmore”. And yes, The Tribe has my nasally voice. LOL!!!

Got this in my email the other day, and though I would share. All of you fellow nurses will know how true this is…

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took
her two weeks to realize she wasn’t at work!

You know you’re a nurse if… you would like to meet the inventor of the
call light some night in a dark alley.

You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.

You’ve been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at
another table “sick”.

You’ve told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker and
to holler if they need help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago’s water tank.

You find yourself checking out other customer’s veins in grocery
waiting lines.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that the y will
drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute.

If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, it’s
just to help you understand our mind set and questionable mental
status/sanity. Most of the time we function in spite of this sick
sense of humor, fairly normally and very responsibly. Scary, huh?????

KNOW A NURSE????…..PASS IT ON

Thanks for stumbling upon our site. Gaga For Lulu used to be your source for the latest in childrens clothing and accessories. Well, we have closed shop for good (as you can tell). But we still have a mission of bringing you the latest in kids fashions and gadgets. Check back with us often to see what’s going on!