Gaga For Lulu

Over the lunch table…

M3: “How do we get babies in our belly?”

Mommy: OMG, “What do you mean?”

M3: “When we are grown up and want babies, how are they put in there?”

The Babe: Pointing to her belly, “Grow in your belly, naaassstty!”

Mommy: Blank stare and disbelief, “Well, when you get bigger and ….

M3: “I mean, when daddy loved you and you wanted K, how did his love make a baby grow?”

Mommy: Smiling at her pureness and seriousness, “Daddy and Mommy loved each other very much, so we were able to create a baby inside my belly to love for always, that was Kaelyn, you and then Ali.”

The Babe: Smiling at me and putting her arms out for a hug, “I looovvee you my mommy and my daaaaaaddddeee too!”

Mommy: Thinking I escaped, “So when you get to be older and find someone that you love like…”

M3: “Duh, I know that mommy, but what inside of you catches daddies love and forms a baby? Is it there from when we are little and grows later when we are big?”

Mommy: Oh, how I wish The Big Guy was here, “Mommies have eggs inside us that grow when we fall in love, like I did with daddy, and they grow bigger to become a baby. The eggs are so little you can’t see them and they are there our whole lives till we find that special love, like your daddy! That is when they are allowed to grow into a pretty little girl, like you and your sisters, or a boy like your cousins.”

M3: Looking at me like she wants to ask more, “Oh, that is good, my eggs will fall in love one day and make babies too. Hear that Ali, you have eggs that will be a baby!”

The Babe: Making a funny face, “Nassstttyyy!”

Isn’t parenting fun? Where the hell is the guide for this shit? Let me know how you think I did with my answers. Be kind, remember, my blood sugar is all out of wack. LOL!!!!

“I faurrrted mommy”

“Uh huh, everyone farts”

“Ohhh, mommy your breath is naaasssstty, no talk now, brush teef”

Yup, that is what I woke up to. I felt like saying, “if you don’t like my breath, then go in your own freakin’ bed and sleep, you little….”. But I love that little boogie face, so I just smiled and tickled the hell out of her.

I need a little pick me up after my day yesterday. As some of you have deduced from my ramblings, I am a diabetic. Diet and exercise controlled, but none the less, I have to check my sugars daily and keep myself in check. Well, after lunchtime yesterday, I did not feel well and thought I was going to pass out. I mean, I felt like shit!

I checked my sugar, 540. Holy fuddruckers. I have never ever been high like that before. I always keep myself in the 80’s, with an occasional high of 130. But 540, oh it was scary! It took 5 hours for it to come below 300 and The Big Guy had to come home early due to my “fuzzy” head. I have a Dr’s appointment tomorrow AM. Sucks though, I couldn’t go to work today, I need to keep a close check on the blood sugar thing and can’t think when I get high like that. Thinking would be essential in that whole nursing thing. LOL!

So yeah, I am scared to eat anything. I did have a low carb, low sugar yogurt, all 80 calories of it and 2 carbs, and my sugar soared to 240. Well damn. Who the hell knows. I am educated in diabetes, teach my patients all the time and even write for a diabetic site, but I feel clueless.

It is so flippin’ scary when it is happening to you, you know? All I have to say is thank god I am medicated with the ol’ anxiety stuff, or I would be broken out in hives right now.

And The Babe and M3 are giving me a run for my money today. Oh, how I miss poopy paradise at times. And on top of everything my bleep bleepin’ bleep fingertips are so damn bruised from checking my sugar a thousand times over the last day. Ugh!

Last week I shared with you my boo hoo story about my doctors visit. The one where I started a new medicine for anxiety. Effexor to be exact. I have been totally flippin’ Effexorized. OMG, I am so much calmer. No more chest pains or crazy maniac yelling fits.

Thank the sweet pink mother of pearl. M3 even looked at me tonight and said, “Mommy, I like you today, you haven’t been yelling and you let us do more fun stuff. I love you, you are a cool Mommy”. Ugh, I guess I was a little too stressed out if even the kids noticed!

The Big Guy and I took The Babe and M3 to Target this afternoon. By the way, he expressed his gripes about the trip on his site. Funny, we write about the same topics but with a different take on the situations. Well damn, I hope we are not morphing into one person, I find that so annoying. The couples that finish each others sentences and dress alike. Annoying!!

I wander in my own head sometimes, focus Kendra. Target. As I was sipping on my sodas and perusing the spring clothes, I realized I have become THAT type of Mommy. The one that lets her kids run up and down the aisle and hide in the middle of the clothing racks. The one that just doesn’t seem to frickin’ care if the kids are speaking in a playground voice or singing out of tune loud enough for the man buying hearing aid batteries to turn in my direction. Oh hell, what has come of me?

I will tell you, Effexor. It is great for my anxiety and OCD, not a real diagnosis, just a hunch, but not so great for my giving a shit. My house was totally trashed this afternoon by The Tribe. I couldn’t walk without stepping over something. The Babe emptied every piece of her wardrobe on to the flippin’ floor and I just smiled and took a picture of her very inappropriate dress up outfit. The Boss broke 2 bracelets and the beads bounced all over the very dusty and dirty wood floors.

I am in a pickle! I feel so damn good right now, but am worried I am a little too chill. I know the medicine will level out in the next few weeks, but until then, I just don’t give a big ol’ flying shiznit about a damn thing.

Where is Scooby Doo when you need him? This is a mystery. Who invaded my body and stole my crazy, maniac ass, fly of the handle, obsessive, always in control and forever neat brain?

I have decided to try to enjoy the ride. I will surrender to the sweet serotonin and norepinephrine that is being regulated in my brain. I will take that little grey and pink pill every morning with hopes of continuing my streak of happy go lucky mommying. I will stop worrying about something that has made a positive damn difference in my life. I will just let it be for a while, something I haven’t done in a long ding dang time!

I’d like to dedicate this song to all my fellow mommy bloggers:

A couple quick freakin’ questions before I head out on my next expedition:

1. Are spaghettio’s considered a real lunch?

2. How can The Babe draw a mural on the wall 3 feet from where I am sitting without me seeing her?

3. Why does the sound of M3’s voice sound like fingernails across a blackboard?

4. Why does the nurse at The Boss’s school call me at least once a week?

5. When will “together” time be HOT again?

6. Why do I hate bobble dolls, that was for you Big Guy?

7. Why does a government meeting for the The Big Guy last 3 hours discussing agenda and a meeting about resuscitation status and life support last 15 minutes?

Finally,

8. Do I even care what the answers are?

M3: “Dexi, get of off Cleo!!!! Daddy, Dexter is trying to jump up on Cleo’s back.”

Mommy and Big Guy: “Hahahahahaha, they are just playing”

Mommy: “Dexter, put that pink ham rocket thing away, you are so gross.”

The Big Guy: “Dexi, you make me proud”

Whatever, another Saturday morning in The Crazy household. We are watching the neighbors dog, Cleo, while they are in Europe. Hell, am I doing something wrong? Anywho, she is carrying our dog’s, Dexter’s, babies, and is due in a week and a half. Oh yeah, we even had a freakin’ wedding with her in a yellow dress and Dexi in a bow tie. You trying to explain this to The Tribe. We could only come up with this ridiculous story.

My hair has become even pinker, with violet undertones. I guess as the dye is washing out it is changing the color again. Edward Scissorhands is coming to “fix” it later. Who the hell knows what color it will be tomorrow. Remember, I have never dyed all of my hair before, so I think I am handling it well.

Mental note to self: The Big Guy does not like change, at least not pink hair change. Won’t get any lovin’ till it is fixed, he can’t stop laughing! He is an assnugget.

M3: “Why is your butt so big, I can play on it like a drum, boom, boom, boom. It has dimples like sissy’s cheeks?”

The Babe: “Oooh, your ghina is yucky, why dere hair like dat? It is naaaasssty.”

M3: (staring at the ol’ taters) “Why are your nipplees so big, they look like pepperoni, but pinker. I didn’t eat out of them, right? They are nasty.” (making a face of total disgust)

Yeah, you guessed it, we all jumped in the shower this AM. My lazy ass didn’t give them a bath last night. I love the fact that I have turned into this gross, appalling science experiment. You know, I would love to tell those little snot faces that mommy was a division 1 athlete and used to have a strong, muscular, athletic body, but they would just stare at me is disbelief. It is kinda like when they look at our wedding album and say, “Mommy, you used to be sooo pretty”. Little bitch asses!!

At least M3 told me I had pretty hair, like a princess!!!!! LOL!

It went something like this….

The Babe: Sleeping on the couch at, you guessed it 5:15 PM.

Mommy: “You want to go to Chili’s for dinner?”

The Big guy: “Are you freakin’ kidding me? She’s asleep over there.”

The Boss and M3: “Yeah, Yeah, we want to go.” ( To The Babe), “Get up, get up, get up!!!!!”

The Babe: Throwing the biggest shit fit you ever have seen. I mean, screaming, kicking and throwing some bows! Apparently she wasn’t ready to get up.

Mommy: “We are going to dinner damn it, LOL!! Get your shoes on girls.”

The Big Guy: “OMG, are you kidding me?( Loud sigh), If Mommy says she wants to go, lets go.”

The Babe: She has kicked it up a notch, she is really pulling out all the tricks!

The Boss: Hysterically crying in the middle of the kitchen floor, ” I can’t tie my shoes, I thought I knew how, I used to know how, now I can’t”. She is refusing help from us. She is sobbing, I thought she was going to throw up.

M3: “Daddy, Mommy, I am being good, right? Am I being a good listener? I am ready to go, I have my shoes and coat on.” She is looking around with a smirk on her face, enjoying her sister’s misery.

The Big Guy: “Come on, we are getting in the car.” Picks up The Babe who is still screaming and M3 follows still smiling away! Ever so gently places them in the car. He really has had an amazing amount of patience lately. Our neighbors probably think we are nuts, with all the commotion that goes on.

Meanwhile, still inside…

Mommy: “Let me help you, Daddy is in the car. I will teach you how to tie them again” The Boss is pulling her laces out of her shoes and sobbing away. I probably shouldn’t say this but, I was laughing. If you could have seen her face and the anger she had for these damn shoe laces, I just lost it.

The boss: “Fine, but I am not eating and I am going to cry the whole time”

Mommy: “OK, I don’t care, we are going to dinner as a family.” When did I turn into my Mom? LOL!!!!

A short car ride later…

The Babe has settled down but refuses to be put down, I swear she would rebirth herself is she could. M3 is still commenting on how good she is being and talking incessantly. The Boss is still carrying on about shoelaces and has now kicked her shoes completely off.

Do you think we went home? Hell no, we went in to ding dang Chili’s and ate dinner as a family damn it!!! By the way, the food sucked. Freakin’ figures!

Tonight, as I am sitting here contemplating whether or not to eat dinner, I fed The Tribe left overs earlier, I am pondering a plethora of things. Oh dingity dang, what is wrong with my brain that I wonder such questions?

1. Why is my middle boy dog licking my oldest girl dog’s “ghina”?

2. Why does my husband talk in a high pitched, twangy ass voice when imitating one of our dogs (does he know dogs don’t talk)?

3. Why was school cancelled today for 2 inches of snow?

4. Why do my kids get a kick out of Mrs. Crazy, Mean Mommy?

5. Why does The Babe pee while standing in front of the toilet (her little ass is 2 inches away from the toilet)?

6. Why does the circus cost $200 for a family of 5 (thats right, 200 freakin’ dollars)?

7. Why did the cleaning lady that I fired yesterday leave me 2 phone messages to call her today (oh hell no)?

8. Why does M3 make a, “your so damn gross and disgusting, I can’t believe your my mommy face”, every morning while I am getting dressed?

9. Why does “together” time last less than 15 minutes (remember the days…)?

10. Why is my nephew obsessed with my “down there” hair (he came in the bathroom while I was tinkling last week, and I am a red head, he is scarred for life)?

And finally….

10. Why don’t I have a prescription for Xanax?

So sorry it has been a while, but life can really get hairy sometimes. I tried to write yesterday a total of five times. Yeah, it was one of those days where I wondered who invaded my body and took over with crazy, irrational thoughts. I think I was totally flippin’ nuts yesterday.

Mrs. Nice Mommy was apparently sent on vacation and Mrs. Mean, Bitchy, No filter in the Mouth, Yelling, Maniac Women visited! Yup, that would still be me I am referring to.

I beg you not to judge my crazy ass, it is not everyday that I carry on like this!

The Boss woke up yesterday writhing about in pain on the floor, crying hysterically and moaning that her belly felt like it was going to explode. “I feel like I want to throw up, but can’t. It hurts behind my belly button and on my right side. It hurts soooooo bad mommy!”

As you know, I am a nurse so the immediate red flag went up. Ding, ding, ding, she has appendicitis. I honestly have only seen The Boss react like that one other time when her arm was dislocated. So, I did what any crazy, irrational parent would do. Against my better judgment, I rushed her to the doctors office. Oh hell, I became one of those parents that we make fun of at work, jumping the gun and going into crisis mode over nothing.

When we arrived at the doctors, The Boss decides she is going to read books and play with the puzzles. OK, maybe she is feeling a little better. I should have just gotten up and canceled the damn appointment and gone home, but remember I was irrational and nuts yesterday! We waited for our turn.

The doctor takes one look at The Boss, who is telling jokes and laughing by now, and gives her one simple command. “Jump up on the table.” She does. And with that, the doctor starts laughing at my parental judgment. “I know as a nurse you know that if she had appendicitis she would not be able to jump like that. I think she just has a belly virus. You might have over reacted this morning. With three kids, I would expect a little more conservation.”

Oh hell no! “Well, she was acting a bit different this morning and I just wanted to be sure there was nothing majorly wrong. I am so sorry if we wasted your time( did I just say that?).” Once again, whoever invaded my body stole the mouth filter that is usually in place.

I think I yelled at The Boss all the way home. Why did Mrs. Nice Mommy have to take a vacation yesterday when my oldest pookie bear didn’t feel well. At this point in the morning I tried to make a fresh start on the day. Yeah, that didn’t work!

I called the house cleaner, to officially fire her. The conversation turned into a twenty minute debate. What the shit? Why did she have to pick a fight? That filter thing in my mouth I was referring to earlier was officially gone for the day! Mrs. Crazy Pants, aka me, let her know what I though about her comments and that she was over priced, $110 dollars, and that I felt that she was unprofessional.

I didn’t just stop there. When she tried to comment about my kids bathroom, I lost it. “They are kids, little kids. I pay you $110 freakin’ dollars every 2 weeks. Your job is to clean. Clean with no comments. I am so sick of you sharing your opinion with me. I don’t care what you have to say, just come and clean. Why can’t you handle that?” Oh shit. I can not believe I went there.

If all that psychoness wasn’t enough, Mrs. Mean Mommy screamed all afternoon. Now, at times it was warranted. For the second day in a row The Babe and M3 played in the toilet. The babe emptied a whole box of kleenex’s in the toilet, yes I was within viewing distance. Wait, thats not it. M3 took a big ol’ poop right on top. So, guess what I had to do? Thats right, dig around poop to pull out the kleenex’s.

Needless to say, I was a maniac, screaming and yelling with irrational threats. “Sit in your room for the rest of the day with nothing, no tv, no books, no toys and no talking!” I ask you, what rational women would say such things? That damn crazy person who invaded my body was going to pay for this. Nanny McPhee , where the hell are you? LOL

Off to the library in late afternoon. See, I told you they were empty threats. I rewarded their horrible behavior with a trip to get books. That would be Mrs. Nice Mommy try to make an appearance. The Tribe was well behaved, No books were pulled down, no loud screaming, no fighting and no one asked us to leave. Success!

The Big Guy did go with us, maybe has a calming effect on The Tribe right now. He has been in this calm, understanding, happy mood for a week. What the hell? I guess this is why our marriage works, we balance each other out. When I am crazy, he is sane and the opposite.

By the way, there was a family at the library that smelled like they had eaten onions for dinner. Did The Tribe keep quiet on this one? Well, kind of. The Babe did say, “Somepin’ smells nastee. Go brush their teef”. She said it quietly enough that I was the only one that heard, and I almost peed a little from laughing so hard.

I think this was the turning point for Mrs. Nasty, Crazy Mommy. Miraculously, Mrs. Nice Mommy returned. I didn’t say my rational thoughts returned, just that I wasn’t going to become hoarse from screaming any more.

After the library we went to Target to get the kids a hot dog, so nutritious, and cleaning supplies. Ughhh! As we are pulling in the parking lot, who pulls behind us? The cleaning lady. You have got to be shittin’ me, I didn’t even know she lived in the area. I say to The Big Guy, “Can we wait in the car a few minutes”?

After much laughter he did say yes. I was convinced she saw us and was following us. “Is she going in yet?” I even contemplated just going home, but The Big Guy forced my rational self to return. Thank gosh!

We got out of the caravanarama and went in the store. To be honest, I was watching over my shoulder and looking feverishly back and forth for any sign of her. We loaded up the cart with cleaning supplies and of coarse my source of news, an In Touch magazine. Yup, that is one step below people magazine, but I don’t give a flying hoot!

Did the register really say $150? Holy shitballs! I was second guessing that whole cleaning lady thing. No, I will stay strong.

To top of the lovely night, I lost $250 in circus tickets, blamed The Big Guy a hundred times, and The Babe hung out in our room till 10:00. I heard the garage doors open at 10:30. It was the Big Guy rumaging through our nasty trash cans looking for the tickets.

I found the tickets this morning in the cravanarama. I had put them there on Friday afternoon. I did try to make right and call The Wonderful, Lovely, Handsome, Calm Big Guy to let him know it was me who misplaced them. I get Mrs. Nice Mommy And Wife points for that, right?

Oh yeah, Saturday morning in good ol’ Baltimore City! The Big Guy, my sis and I tried to take The Pack to free admission day at the Baltimore Zoo. Well, to make a long story short, after close to two hours in the car we hadn’t even made it off of I-83. Apparently every other parent in the surrounding areas also had the same idea. The Big Guy made an executive decision to keep on going into the city and make a day at the National Aquarium in Baltimore. It was fun. Most importantly, The Babe found Nemo. By the way, The Big Guy was in an awesome mood. I guess that wellbutrin really does work after all!

We hit every bathroom that that the Aquarium had. That’s right, all of them. We took 5 bathroom breaks in 3 and a half hours. And what’s the deal with all the adults there without kids pushing to the front of the glass? I understand we are very fortunate to have so many cool places within driving distance, but you’re twice the height of the kids trying to see the damn fish. Reach your big-ass arm up above their heads and take you digital camera pic. Or at least wait until they get out of the way after getting a good view. The Pack was very patient in waiting, at least we appear to be doing something right.

This would be what my laundry area looked like this morning. The Big Guy just pulls everything out of the dryer to get what he wants. Oh boy, to be a man. Let’s see, he is responsible for taking a crap, getting a shower, hmmm, and that is about it on the weekends. Holy hell is that tough. Don’t worry, he will help me fold it later, I’m not his mommy! Also, we did fire the cleaning lady. I am back on the cleaning wagon. Yeah. The Big Guy did promise to help. I will keep you posted on that one. LOL.

Yes, that is a piece of poop courtesy of the youngest mongrel, Dexi. How would you like to wake up to that almost every morning? Why doesn’t he get it? Is his brain broken? Is he defiant? Or is he just plain dumb? Yup, that one, his brain is the size of a walnut. We would get rid of him but he does make us some money. We stud him, and might I add he is darn good at it. The Big Guy says it is from observing what happens in our bedroom. Ok, that would explain why he was “latched” on quicker than any other dog I have ever seen.

There he is, oh what a freakin’ beauty! You never know, he might just go to “the farm” one day.

This is where Sunday morning got good. Damn right. That is The Babe’s bedroom. I made the mistake of laying in bed for an hour this morning. I was up all night with her. By the way, The Big Guy was on the computer, “taking care” of the kids. Whatever! Does this look like adult supervision?

As I continued down the hallway, I came upon The Tribe. Yes, that is a beanbag on top of the bed. Safety first. We will definitely get parents of the year. At least they are clothed, even though they are in dress ups. The Tribe are going to be nudists. I am so sick of seeing heiney cracks and, as they say, “ghinas”, I could scream. Do they know it is still winter? Who cares? I guess they are free spirits. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?

That damn pile of clothes has been moved, refolded and moved back three times now. I should get a clue and put them away, but that would take effort. Why am I so lazy sometimes? I need to call one of my close friends for a reality check. I need to hear that it is ok to sit down for more than ten minutes and to enjoy the cotton pickin’ day. Phone call to Weezy is now on the list for this morning! Maybe I should go take my wellbutrin. If only there was a magic pill that worked like that, it would be sold out.

The Big Guy nabbed some goodies for this morning. I gave him the choice of cleaning up the mess The Tribe had made or going to Wawa. Guess which he chose? Hey, I am thankful for the cup of joe and sugary, non diabetic, donuts that I shoved in my face. The kitchen island has never looked so appetizing. OMG were the treats so good!

So, I should probably add to my list, take a shower. Why you say. Mommy doesn’t like the greasy, make-up smeared, funky teeth, non bra wearing self that is her in the morning. Yeah, I’m pretty gross. I am such a tomboy, always will be I guess. I am reading one of my guilty pleasures, people magazine. What would life be without the little things? Time to get my big ol’ butt up and do something productive, maybe even wash my face. If I want any chance of getting lovin’ tonight, I need to at least put deodorant on. The Big Guy doesn’t ask for much! LOL.