Gaga For Lulu

Well, guess what? I’m back…. That is right. I have made several changes lately with my life. Let’s see… where to start.

I was diagnosed with MS, multiple sclerosis, over the summer and have spent the last 4.5 months learning to live with a new normal. I get very tired, grouchy, numb, tingly, sore, lose words, stumble in speech, live with a foggy head and have little feeling in the ‘down there’ parts. That last part really sucks!!!

I also have decided to go back to nursing full time again. I am both excited and sad about this. I have had to quit my channel editing job with b5media in order to make this happen-and my professional blogging as well. But boy oh boy am I happy right now. I feel like I have lifeted a great deal of stress of of my shoulders. I have one job and when I am home… I am home. And I soooo love being a nurse. It makes a big difference.When things stop being fun it is time to get out and that is what was happening with b5.

We just returned from a wonderful Disney family vacation last week as well. It was soooooo fun. The girls and the big guy and I had a blast!

So with all of these recent changes I now have more time to write for pleasure…which means I am back here at Gaga. I am also helping the big guy out at the Dagger as well.

I look forward to getting reacquainted with all of you!

I still remember like it was yesterday… I was in room 435 with the patient in A bed when the patient on the other side of the curtain screamed, “Oh my God, we are under attack”. I remember turning to see what the hell was going on,and everything just sort of going into slow motion. A few other doctors, nurses and visitors had peeked their heads in as well as we watched a God awful scene on the television set.

The hair on my arms was standing straight up, my stomach was turning, I felt shear horror and I had tears rolling down my face. I had no clue, nor did the rest of the world, what was actually happening in front of my eyes. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any scarier… that second plane flew clear through that second World Trade building.

As we regrouped and had a small briefing at the hospital, as we were only 40 miles from our Nation’s capitol, all I could think was, “I just want to hold my daughter”. At the time our eldest was about 10 months old and my husband was working from home 2 days a week. He was at home with her on September the 11th, 2001. And I was 35 miles away… though it seemed like 100’s.

Then we heard all kinds of reports, “there were 5 planes missing, no 3 planes missing, and one is headed right for D.C.” Horror was the feeling. Being on a cardiac floor, we had to keep focus and keep on with our duties. Just imagine the fear that these patients with wires coming out of their chests that were serving as temporary pacemakers and the very ill, frail patients that could not walk if their lives depended on it felt. It was so damn scary.

I can remember looking around and seeing grown men with tears running down their faces and looks of hoplessness and fear. I can remember looking around at my fellow nurses, physicians and surgeons and thinking, “he looks like “them”, could he be part of this terror”?

I will never forget all the men, women and children that lost their lives that day, September 11th, 2001 to terrorists with nothing but rage, anger and hate inside of them! And I thank my lucky stars everyday that there are men and women out there that put their lives on the line to protect our freedoms while their families await their safe returns. I hope that today everyone takes a moment to reflect on what exactly took place that day in New York. I am so proud to live in the United States of America and do not take my freedom for granted. I have taught my kids why we wear our red, white and blue on this day and to always remember we live in the land of the free. God Bless the United States of America…

Every time I hear this song I tear up. Some days, much like today, you feel like you want to put your head through the wall. I found myself saying, “just go play” 100 times today. Bad mommy indeed, lol. Seriously though, they do grow up too damn fast and then it is quiet and you miss the hell out of them! So anyway, here are the words to the song, it is by Trace Adkins.

In the early rush of morning,
Trying to get the kids to school:
One’s hanging on my shirt-tail,
Another’s locked up in her room.
And I’m yelling up the stairs:
“Stop worrying ’bout your hair, you look fine.”

Then they’re fightin’ in the backseat,
And I’m playing referee.
Now someone’s gotta go,
The moment that we leave.
And everybody’s late,
I swear that I can’t wait till they grow up.

Then they do, and that’s how it is.
It’s just quiet in the mornin’,
Can’t believe how much you miss,
All they do and all they did.
You want all the dreams they dreamed of to come true:
Then they do.

Now the youngest is starting college,
She’ll be leavin’ in the Fall.
And Brianna’s latest boyfriend,
Called to ask if we could talk.
And I got the impression,
That he’s about to pop the question any day.

I look over at their pictures,
Sittin’ in their frames.
I see them as babies:
I guess that’ll never change.
You pray all their lives,
That someday they will find happiness.

Then they do, and that’s how it is.
It’s just quiet in the mornin’,
Can’t believe how much you miss,
All they do and all they did.
You want all the dreams they dreamed of to come true:
Then they do.

No more Monday PTA’s,
No carpools, or soccer games.
Your work is done.
Now you’ve got time that’s all your own.
You’ve been waitin’ for so long,
For those days to come.

Then they do, and that’s how it is.
It’s just quiet in the mornin’,
Can’t believe how much you miss,
All they do and all they did.
You want all the dreams they dreamed of to come true:
Then they do.

Ah, then they do.

First, the title has nothing to do with the post. And second, “It’s so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice!” For those of you not familiar from Anchorman, I am sorry. But for those that are, Mr Burgandy hit the nail on the head with that one! It is freakin’ 102 on the ol’ thermometer. Come the hell on? It has been such a dry, hot and humid summer. The grass is actually crunchy at this point and the flowers are long gone. And because of the horrendous drought in the area, the local corn is just in season and is $4.50 a dozen. Please!!!!

The ‘maters are just ripe and quite honestly taste like dog doo. They just aren’t sweet. Seriously, we are even sweating in the pool. And unless you want to get up at 4:30, when it is right below 90 degrees, forget the jog or walk! I pulled the kids in the wagon this morning and you would have thought I had run a marathon with the way I was sweating. Grossioso!!!!

So yeah, I am ready for the fall. Not just because my older 2 will be in school all day! OMG, it is soooooo exciting, but also for cooler weather. And fall is my fave season anyway. The windows open, playing in sweatshirts, sitting on the porch drinking coffee and a beautiful night sky. See, I can be nice sometimes, hahaha.

I will leave you with a comment from my lil’ ol’ cherubs…

“We can’t wait to go back to school soon, you need a break from us. And you are starting to bore us. Yeah, we are really bored with you Mommy!!!!”

Aren’t they so flippin’ cute?

I am in one of those moods. You know all reflective and stuff? The one’s where I get all choked up when I look at my kids and think that they came from me and The Big Guy. This doesn’t happen often, believe me! But I guess I will just go with it.

The Big Guy and I had a bit of a squabble this weekend. He had a birthday golf/poker night outing for one of our friends that we have known since college. That means they played golf during the day then went back to the big ol’ birthday boy’s house for eats and cards. OK, I can deal with a little male bonding and I understand that The Big Guy doesn’t get to go out all that much, not completely my doing by the way! He is a family man and also deals with a little thing called depression, which would explain him wanting to stay home more than going out. HEY BIG GUY, KEEP READING!

So, when he called in with me to let me know that he was back at their house for food and such he had a bit of an attitude which then made me have a ‘tude. At least that is how I see it, hahaha. Instead of listening to what I was saying on the phone he decided to hang up, rush home and get mad at me for something he THOUGHT I was going to say. Yup, I didn’t even say the words, he just “knows me too damn good and knew what I was gonna say”.

Long story short, it turned into a yelling battle where he wasn’t listening to me and I wasn’t listening to him. We ultimately agreed to disagree! It is hard for men. Women can talk on the phone every damn day to their friends, send cards, email each other and only see each other 3 times a year and still feel just as close. Men put so much on physical being. You know, male bonding. Come to think, it is how they are in so many of their relationships, ie. sex. I had to stick that in there. if they are not seeig them and able to pat each other on the back, they think that the other person just isn’t there.

I do think that as men age they struggle with not “having friends”. What they don’t realize is that the friends are still right there and will always be there, our relationships have just evolved and changed into more mature emotional friendships. But I know that The Big Guy has a tough time with that one and it makes me sad to see him upset about this type of thing.

Of course, hind site is 20/20 and I should have handled Saturday very differently. I should have understood that he was so damn excited for this flippin’ bday celebration and told him to take is time and not to worry about what time he came home! Instead I said a bitchy comment on Friday night like, “You better not come walking through that door at no 10 PM”. I can be mean sometimes. I just wouldn’t think of walking out that door and returning 12 hours later, but then again I am a women and we are so different. But live and learn, right? I feel very bad now and wish I could change it, but I can’t. I have been thinking about it today though, remember I am in that mood, and I am thankful that he is who he is!

One thing is for sure, and this is where the sappy ass part of me comes out, I love The Big Guy with all my heart and want him to be happy. He is an incredible daddy, I mean INCREDIBLE, and works his ass off for his family. He helps me around the house, after 13 years of training, and spends all of his free time with the kids. And then he puts up with my ass, which believe it or not isn’t always perfect. I know, no way you say! But it is true. And we have had a tough summer. We have had to weather yet another set back and deal with some tough issues. And he has never once came down on me. He has been supportive, understanding, loving and so ding dang patient!

I know one thing, at the end of the day he will always be there to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be just fine and that “All we ever need is right here and down that hall. That is what’s important in life”. I am truly blessed to have found someone like him and to have him as a best friend and a hubby is absolutely wonderful. I am done with my blabbering on now and I will return tomorrow in “normal” form, hahahaha.

You want to know the real deal? Effexor sucks my ass! Yeah, that loverly lil’ anti depressant that I had a brief love affair with is just water under the bridge now! It did it’s duty for a short period of time, but then I noticed that I actually seemed to be more irritable, highly emotional and a tad bit “down”.

So I figured, why take a medication that doesn’t do shit? I guess I could have upped the ol’ dose but that’s just not me. The 10 pounds that had found it’s way on my 5′ 9″ body wasn’t exactly welcome and the lack of sex drive… well, it just sucked! I had no trouble finishing the deal. You know having the big kahuna. But what I had issues with was actually getting on the board if you know what I mean?

What does a nurse who has a degree in psychology and every resource at her fingertips do? Does she seek medical advice and ween herself off of that ugly little pill? Hell no, I quit cold turkey. How stupid could I have been? OMG, it was God awful. I mean it sucked the big one.

I threw up for a week, didn’t sleep, couldn’t see straight, had a headache that was so damn bad I thought I was going crazy, had no happy thoughts, cried for a week, yelled like a crazy women and scariest of all… had thoughts of harming myself.

This was seriously one of the hardest things I have had to whether and if you have been around for a while, you know that I have been through some serious crap! But I prevailed and my poor kids and hubby helped me through this horrendous time. The Big Guy suffered, believe me! He didn’t know whether to hug me, tell me he loved me, smack me on the ass, kick my butt or just cry right along with me.

Oh boy, it sucked the big one for sure. But it has been about 3 weeks and the “brain zaps” have stopped. Yeah, brain zaps. That would be one of the most common side effects of coming of Effexor. You feel like you are having long electrical surges in your head, and it makes you feel half crazy. Is it real or am I just dreaming them up? Nope, they are for real, at least that is what I have decided.

Bottom line, I am free of that crap! Yee ha. Not to say that I am not dealing with some anxiety, and slight emotional responses to the radio in the car, commercials and kids hugging me. Boy am I a sap right now, but at least I am feeling my “real” emotions and the best part of all… I want sex 24 hours a day, hahahaha.

No seriously though, it was nasty stuff to come off of and I really think that clinicians should let patients know the complications associated with this drug and the effects that it can have on you if and when you decide to leave it behind! Because that was some hard work, and scary. I hate to see how people that are on mid or high doses of the drug and deal with clinical depression, not just anxiety and mild depression, handle the change. That is why Effexor is known for causing teenagers to commit suicide. Because you feel as if you are going nuts and it would be easier to just keep popping the pills.

To be totally honest, I am back on the Wellbutrin though. I will stick with this for a while. I took Wellbutrin before Effexor and I had no issues when I chose to come off of it. So I know that when my life settles down, and I am able to deal a bit better, if I want to stop the med I can do so with small complications in my everyday life.

So my advice, be aware of what you are prescribed and really research the medicine. Being a healthcare professional, I am a bit embarrassed that I didn’t realize what I was getting in to, but oh well. Live and learn, right?

You want to hear something really cool?  I have known my best friend for as long as she has been alive, almost 32 years.  And her 2 older brothers were like my brothers.  We grew up together, their family and mine.  We did vacations together, sports, the pool, school, church and countless other activities.  Our parents were even in each other’s weddings.  Not many people can say that!

Here comes the really neat part, now our kids play together.  Uh huh, we all have children now and they all play and do the very same activities that we used to do.  We were even all at the beach  last week and had a damn good time laughing at our kids throwing light sticks around after dark and sitting on the lifegaurds chair.  They even got to ride the rides together.

And you know those embarrassing pictures?  The bathtub ones.  We have so many of those.  How the hell did 5 kids fit in a bathtub at the same time?  But there we were.  Bubbles, floating body parts and all smiles.   It is just so damn cool to see our kids together scrub a dub dubbing the same way!  I can’t way for them to laugh at the pictures when they have their own.

I guess I am pretty darn lucky in this way.  To know someone your whole life, it is so special.  No cattiness, no fakeness, no weirdness or tension.  We are who we are, and we have such a comfortableness.  It is really awesome!

Well hello y’all! I am so happy to be back. I had to take a little break for a bit but I am back in full force now. I have been trying to catch up on all your lives. I have been slowly getting back in the blogging game here on my lil’ ol’ site.

So, I hope you are having a kick ass summer! The kids are a bit of a handful at times, but all in all, it has been a damn good summer break. Did you like how nicely I just said my kids are really GD bad sometimes without sounding like an evil mommy?  Haha.

The Boss finished up her swim season and she placed in the top 15 for both free and back in her age group for the county, which is about 100 kids. Proud mommy moment indeed! She had a blast and both her and M3 can’t wait for the fall/winter season to begin.

And The Babe… she will be 3 tomorrow. I can’t believe my baby is 3 years old. She is so damn cute! Although she has picked some nasty habits up from her big sissies this summer. Like telling me “no way mommy”. Yeah, not even flippin’ funny. And she has learned all the High School Musical and Jump In songs. She is too funny sometimes. By the way, she only gets half the words right when she sings them, but that doesn’t stop her from dancing and shaking her “sweet cheeks” as she puts it.

I took The Tribe down the beach, not really down but that is how we say it around this neck of the woods, this last week. They wore me out. I missed The Big Guy to say the least but we all know that absence makes the heart grow stronger.. and the ol’ sex drive, haha! Good times had by all.

I am so looking forward to getting all caught up on your lives and will be posting daily again about all my crazy ass life happenings. I have missed y’all. It is funny how you grow to know each other without ever laying eyes on each other. It’s pretty cool when you think about it!

Here is a tidbit of my summer fun… in pictures.

My head is full of thoughts, and I can’t put any of them into paragraphs that make sense! I am really down at the present, sometimes life is just a little too much to handle. Then I look at the girls and I think, I don’t have it bad at all, 3 great kids, an incredible hubby, wonderful family and friends, but still sometimes that teary eyed crap prevails. Much like it is doing tonight. Well shit!

* surgery might not happen on Friday for my knee because it is so damn arthritic and has such severe degenerative changes that the surgeon isn’t sure anything less than a knee replacement will help. Damn it!!!!

* people are too ding dang nasty on the interenet and across emails, I am sick of being nice and kind. So help me…. let one more person show a nasty side and all hell will break lose. Not really, I am all talk!

* I don’t feel well, I mean I feel like a Mack truck hit me. Ugh!

* I have no sex drive, I mean I want it in my head, but my body doesn’t follow along. I am too young for this shit!

* I can’t stop crying over stupid ass stuff. What the hell is wrong with me? Come the hell on, I need to be stronger than this!

And that is just the beginning. I won’t bore you with the rest. You get the drift. Do y’all ever get like this? Please tell me someone else does! I need a room at the hotel, motel, holiday inn for about 3 days or so. Life sure does move and groove, sometimes I feel like I need a breather, but I guess that does not come with the territory so I should get over it. Ok, I feel better and have composed myself now. I hope y’all are having better weeks than me!

So, I’m gonna give you 5 reasons that I feel like putting my head through the wall. And I mean all the way through! Some days really suck…

1. The Babe’s 2nd set of tubes have fallen out and her right eardrum ruptured yesterday, which means I was up from 1 till 5:45 AM and she is a real f’in’ treat today. By the way, this was the 4th night in a row of less than 3 hours of sleep! And she can’t hear shit so she has been screaming all GD day.

2. The Big Guy is on day number 3 of a 4 day stretch of Golf tournaments , which means he is non-existent around the house and when he does get home at night he is, “sooo tired he just wants to go to sleep. Don’t I know how tired it can make you?” Yeah, you dumbass, tell me how tired you are from golf! Wait… and then if I have it correct father’s day is on Sunday. Shit, he has used that right on up already!

3. I have to have yet another operation. Nothing major. Just my 8th left knee surgery, but come on. I was a dumb shit and fell down the steps 2 weeks ago and tore whatever cartilage I have left in that very old arthritic knee, not to mention my MCL (medial collateral ligament). Yee-ha! But the Dr. and I have a deal, no crutches and do what you can with a scope and no more.

4. It is 2 in the afternoon and M3 has been in time out about… 15 times already and there has been 2 blowouts between her and The Boss in the last hour. They are restling over crayons right now in the kitchen. Sad part? I am typing this while listening to them. No mommy of the year yet again!

And Finally

5. I am so hormonal today that I want to cry at everything. The Boss’ last day was today, half day, and I felt like crying because she is done her first year of school. M3 has made me want to cry about 10 times today because she isn’t listening and told me that she would rather have someone else for her mommy, “someone who is fun and nice, like Mom Mom Mary”, that would be my mother in law. Talk about hitting below the belt! And The Babe and I have been up since like Monday, and she still doesn’t feel well. I feel so bad for my little boo boo. She has such a rough time since she was born! Icing on the cake would be that we have to be at a swim meet in the morning by 7AM, which means 5:00 wake up call and very tired children. And where will The Big Guy be you ask? Fu%&*ng golfing!!!!!!