Gaga For Lulu

I have 2 funny things to share with you … One is a story and one is just a haha you’re so unlucky everyday of your life kind of thing.

1. This is the unfortunate happenings one, obviously. I look like that character in the Goonies. You know Sloth. The one that Mama apparently dropped on his face when he was a baby and locked in the basement of Fertelli’s restaurant. Uh huh, I am UGLY! I have shingles all over the right side of my face, from my eye to my cheek and the swelling has created a baseball size pocket of black and blue fluid (I guess the skin is thin there so it has bruised).

I am a beauty to say the least. People don’t know what to think. They just stare and I can tell that half of them think I was on the loosing battle of a fist fight and the other half are disgusted. Oh well, I guess what it is, is what it is, but it is very gross indeed. And this crap hurts like I don’t know what. It feels like there is a match on my face! Good news is it will slowly go away and I will be my beauteous self again, hahahaha!

2. Picture this… My 3 girls and I at the doctors to have a kindergarten check up for M3. She is handling everything wonderfully, even answers all those silly questions right through the age of 7 years old, which is good since she is 5. And to think I used to worry. Anyway, back to topic… She needs 4 shots. Holy mother of pearl that is alot I say. She is my toughie though and takes it like a champ. That is until The Boss has to be physically removed from the room due to her hysteria.

” Moooooommmmyyyy, Nooooooooooo, they are hurting her, Noooooooooooo, No needles, make them stop, run, noooooooooooo, booooo hoooo boooo hooooo!!!!!!”

Here comes the extra office staff running in the room to find that it wasn’t even the one receiving the shots but her older sister in the corner of the room, dry heaving over the trash can and screaming like a maniac. OMG is all I can say! I didn’t know whether I should laugh or get upset or hold M3 or hold The Boss or hold The Babe that was now in hysteria as well.

The receptionist took the other 2 out and we calmed them down only to return to a visibly shakin’ 5 year old that was waiting for her shots. So then I had to hold her down while the “nurse” missed 3 times on 1 arm and once on the other. Dude, if your gonna give 4 shots, have them ready to go and bam, bam, bam. Give them quick and get er’ done, you know?

It was such a fun trip. And by the way as I was leaving the office there were 2 lovely, caddy ass, snobby, brats of women in the waiting room discussing my kids and my very ugly swollen face. They had assumed that my hubby had hit me. Oh I felt the fury go through me when I overheard that. First he would NEVER do that, and second if he did, he would look WORSE than me. So I turned and simply said…

“It is herpes on my face, I don’t know where I got it and it is very contageous, so keep an eye out”

Hah, that’ll show them, hahahaha. I felt a lil’ bad for putting the fear of the ol’ herps in them, but sometimes you gotta fight dirty!

So, I’m gonna give you 5 reasons that I feel like putting my head through the wall. And I mean all the way through! Some days really suck…

1. The Babe’s 2nd set of tubes have fallen out and her right eardrum ruptured yesterday, which means I was up from 1 till 5:45 AM and she is a real f’in’ treat today. By the way, this was the 4th night in a row of less than 3 hours of sleep! And she can’t hear shit so she has been screaming all GD day.

2. The Big Guy is on day number 3 of a 4 day stretch of Golf tournaments , which means he is non-existent around the house and when he does get home at night he is, “sooo tired he just wants to go to sleep. Don’t I know how tired it can make you?” Yeah, you dumbass, tell me how tired you are from golf! Wait… and then if I have it correct father’s day is on Sunday. Shit, he has used that right on up already!

3. I have to have yet another operation. Nothing major. Just my 8th left knee surgery, but come on. I was a dumb shit and fell down the steps 2 weeks ago and tore whatever cartilage I have left in that very old arthritic knee, not to mention my MCL (medial collateral ligament). Yee-ha! But the Dr. and I have a deal, no crutches and do what you can with a scope and no more.

4. It is 2 in the afternoon and M3 has been in time out about… 15 times already and there has been 2 blowouts between her and The Boss in the last hour. They are restling over crayons right now in the kitchen. Sad part? I am typing this while listening to them. No mommy of the year yet again!

And Finally

5. I am so hormonal today that I want to cry at everything. The Boss’ last day was today, half day, and I felt like crying because she is done her first year of school. M3 has made me want to cry about 10 times today because she isn’t listening and told me that she would rather have someone else for her mommy, “someone who is fun and nice, like Mom Mom Mary”, that would be my mother in law. Talk about hitting below the belt! And The Babe and I have been up since like Monday, and she still doesn’t feel well. I feel so bad for my little boo boo. She has such a rough time since she was born! Icing on the cake would be that we have to be at a swim meet in the morning by 7AM, which means 5:00 wake up call and very tired children. And where will The Big Guy be you ask? Fu%&*ng golfing!!!!!!

I am headed for a breakdown. I can feel it coming. The tears are building up in my eyes, my anger is boiling over and I just want to hide beneath the covers.

The babe has had a fever all stinkn’ day and the only 2 hours she was good was when I had The Boss at swim practice and Mom Mom was sitting with her and M3. M3 has been under my skin all flippin day! She just topped it off by lying right to my very tired face! That really pisses me off.

The Babe is still screaming from an hour ago. OMG, my head is gonna pop. The Boss has just calmed down from a 2 hour melt down following swim over her goggles. And the cherry on top would be The Big Guy. Yeah, that ass!!!!

Apparently he is allowed to be a shit whenever he wants to. Yup, he can just have a bad week, not day, but week. you know because he is only in a golf tournament Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday! Um-huh. And if he wants to sit on the porch for a shitin’ hour than he can. Whatever! All the while, I am getting the kids settled and to bed. Fighting back my feelings and tiredness.

And by the way, maybe him not taking his G.D. medication on a regular basis has a little something to do with it. In my eyes it is irrisponsable and stupid! I have anxiety and deal with very mild depression, so I take the medication that allows me to live life to the fullest and be a better person.

The Big Guy who fights fairly moderate depression, and has for 10 years or so, NEVER takes his depression medication unless I hand it to him personally. Well guess what? I already have 3 kids to worry about, can’t have a 6′6″ 4th. Sorry!!

And if you know what you need to be a better hubby and daddy and have the resources to do it, why the hell don’t you? I know I am a bitchy ass mess right now, but I am so sick of dealing with this. I love him dearly and we have seen each other through some VERY tough times, but I just don’t have the energy to put into this tonight.

God forbid I would say the word medication to him right now, he would blow on that one.

And now I just realized that it is 9 PM and I haven’t eatin’ dinner and I am hungry as shit but I am so snotty from crying that I can’t eat. Well damn!

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but today while at Target with 2 of my girls and my 2 nephews I received several compliments…

“Do you see them? Look at how well behaved they are!”

“You must be quite the mommy, they are all so well behaved.”

“They are so beautiful, they all look just like you.”- That one made me giggle

“You handle those kids so well. You have such a nice, calm demeanor with them.”

That’s right. I was feeling pretty damn good about my mad mommying skillz. I was basking in the glory until I went to get myself a soda at the eatery area before we left the store….

All hell broke lose. I look over and M3 is playing with the fountain drink dispenser. The Babe is screaming, I mean screaming at the top of her lungs, “my poppppcooorrrnnnn”. And my 2 nephews were pushing each other, kicking each other to the point of tears, and screaming about candy. The moment was lost.

I am not that super duper mommy extraordinaire that I was thinking I was. Now people were shaking their heads. Oh, how fast my bubble was popped. Well shit!!!

A very Happy Mother’s Day to ya’all! I hope that each and every one of you are enjoying this big ol’ hallmark holiday, haha. No really, I wish you an enjoyable day. My lil’ Tribe just got back with some new sporty pajamas and perty smelling candles, and very wonderful cards, I’m a sucker for cards. That is of course after my lovely hubby let me sleep till….. 9AM. I love The Big Guy, he is great sometimes, keyword sometimes. LOL!

Have a good one!!!

Quotes from my ever so loving, honest to the bone, snot nosed lil’ones, better known as The Tribe…

“The helper at school, helped me tie my dress. She is skinny and soooo pretty, not like you…you are chunky, kinda more fat than her.”

“Why aren’t you pretty like Aunt Jessa. I want to look like her when I grow up!”

“Did you used to be smart when you were younger?”

“Daddeee is sooooo much more funner than you, he lets us watch loud movies and eat pizza. You are, like, a little boring.”

“It’s soooo gross that we came out your ghina, it is so nasty and stuff.”

And finally, the big wiener today…

“I wish Mom Mom was our mommy!”

Oh, that last one got me right in the freakin’ gut. M3 was referring to my mother in law, little shit! You know how that goes though, she lets them do whatever the hell they want. I guess I would prefer total whatever the shit I want over rules too. But honestly, couldn’t she have picked someone else. Sweet mother of pearl!

Ugh, I can’t win! But my job is to make sure that those little brats learn to listen well, be respectful and have some type of morals and social graces.

Now, I must run because my youngest feminine angel is wrestling my eldest on the front lawn, screaming at the top of her lungs. Lil’ booger head!!!!

Picture it……………..

Bridal shop looking for bridesmaid dresses for BFF wedding.

The babe, 2, M3, almost 5, Chubs, 3, and Tiny, 1….and Mommy.

Dresses everywhere.

One kid with pants pulled down and “ghina” showing, screaming, “mommee, I godda peeeee”!

One kid peaking under dressing stall, perv, haha.

One kid rolling around, yelling, “yeyyow, yeyyyooowww”! (the name of is elephant toy that was in car)

And finally one kid who was commenting on the dresses and model in them, “mommy, that dress won’t close in the back, your too big for it, why don’t you have underwear on, look at your purple bra. Oh mommy, you wish you could be a princess like me, don’t you”?

You know what, you little…. “first, I couldn’t find clean undies quick enough this AM, so I went commando, second the dress I am trying on is a size 8, standard model size, my ass, and third, I was a damn princess about 8 years ago when I married your father and before I popped 3 kids out of my crouch in 3 years. So there”!!

No, I didn’t really say that out loud to my daughter, but I wanted to. I just said, “lower your voice, shhh, the whole world doesn’t need to know my business, now hush on up, pleeeaasse”! (with my teeth gritted and a smile on my face)

Oh the fun life we lead!

Do you think I suffer from that fatigue syndrome? I swear, I am always freakin’ tired. Yawn, yawn, yawn. Maybe I have a neurological problem or something? I seriously have to drag my big ol’ ass out of bed every morning. Gone are the days of popping up before the alarm and a chipper, “good morning ya’all”. Nope, it is all, “shit, I am soooo tired, can you hit the snooze button, why don’t I sleep at night, good god ya’all”.

Let’s explore the reasons that could possibly be behind the whole tired as shit thing:

1. There is something gravely wrong with me! (Unlikely but possible)

2. The Babe does not sleep, EVER. She gets up 2 or 3 times a night and for the last month or so has ended up in our bed, taking up more than her fair share of room. (Might be getting closer!)

3. The Big Guy snores repeatedly and VERY loudly every flippin’ night of his life. Every hour or so I am awoken thinking that my hubby is some sort of machinery that is powered and ready to go, yeah but we all know that is some sort of dream, could it be, no, shit it is just him and he is so not “ready” to go, damn it! Honestly, it is so loud. I have even held his nose before and had visions of the pillow over his face, hahaha! (Could be a reason)

4. I am hyper active and have trouble turning my brain off. (Uh huh)

5. All of the above plus The Boss and M3 getting up with bad dreams and necessary, so they say, bathroom breaks and water breaks. What the hell are they doing that they need to be rehydrate at 3 in the morning? (I think we have found it)

So there you have it. I think that all of the above combined makes for a pretty tired mama. Plus the whole, full time mommy, part time nurse, part time blogger, professional blogger, new responsibilities that come along with the before mentioned that I can not share yet, and all the other wonderful duties that you all can understand and validate for me. LOl!

I know that all ya’all, yeah I said it, hee hee, can relate to the tired thing and that I am soooo not alone! Thank goodness I know so many that will break it down real deal style and not make me feel like a failure or just a tired bitch that needs to shut on up.

On with our day, we are going to finish getting our veggie garden in check, we made it bigger this year. Apparently The Big Guy has some notion that we are going to “live of the land”. He is channeling his roots, they were farmers, though not very good ones. My roots are go to the damn store and buy what the hell you need but I like a fresh salad and The Tribe enjoys watching it all grow, so I play along.

I got some pretty cool stuff going on this week. I can’t share it as of yet, but after Tuesday I will blab, blab, blab like I know how to do! LOL.

I have been begging The Big Guy to do a guest post for me, his take on our wonderful life, but he just laughs. I will keep on him, hee hee, no really, though. He is funny as shit!

In the words of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, “Aaahhhhhhhh, come to me my jungle friends!!!!”

Anyone out there have any romance going on right now? If you do, screw you! Haha. Yeah, it is about gone right now up in our neck of the woods. I think it is part tiredness, part laziness and a huge part Effexor. I have NO sex drive. I look at The Big Guy and think, hells yeah, but when it comes time to put the plan in motion I am like, “You want to play the massage game? I will do your feet, if you do mine”.

Which means we are relying solely on his sex drive! Well shit, hmmm, let me say it is less than stellar these days. “Do you wanna snuggle?” No you freak! I wanna do it! And I want to do it now, now come the hell on and get this party started. That would be what my brain is saying. My body is still laying there in the don’t even think about touching me position.

Can we please seal the deal? For the love of god, grant me some sex drive. Gimme that steamy, hot for you, you are so fine, I am going to ravish your body and take no prisoners kind of feeling that I long for! Ugh….come on Big Guy, take note and start your engines.

I am gonna buy him some Ginseng or something. Maybe some Red Bull! Maybe I will slip a little somepin’ in his drink. Well, I won’t go that far, but you get my drift.

If The Babe would go to bed and stay in her bed it would probably help. If we didn’t get up at the ass crack of dawn, didn’t have a tv in the bedroom and dumped our laptop it would probably help matters too. Oh, the joys of being 30 something with 3 little ones and zero sex drive. I’m stumped! LOL!

I haven’t bitched about The Big Guy for quite some time now. He has been more than “good”. I think as he gets older he settles more and more into the routine of our life as we know it. BUT he pissed me off a short bit ago. Maybe it is me being tired, or moody, or fuzzy from f’ed up blood sugars or plain out a bitch, but I am pissed and offended.

Let me set it up for ya. Bedtime. Showers have been given, pajamas are on, 101 meds given to The Babe and it is time to simmer down and tuck in for the night. It is a bit early, but The Tribe is VERY tired since they woke at the ass crack of dawn this weekend and have been going a mile a minute in the very warm weather. I had to wake their little butts up this AM. Yeah, what a joke. This weekend they were dressed before 6 AM and today, “no mommy, I’m tired, can’t we sleep more”.

Anywho, getting back to this evening, I am trying to get everyone to calm down and understand that yes indeed I am serious, and it is time for bed. The Babe is screaming a pissin’ fit and The Boss and M3 are bouncing off their beds like they have springs attached to their asses! I am at my wits end. I didn’t work today but I did get 3 kids dressed, off to school, change bed sheets, fold laundry, pick up my mom and take her to physical therapy and Target, get The Boss off the bus, drop my mom off at home, make dinner while playing with my 3 and the neighbors kids on the swing set, clean up dinner, get showers done, lay out clothes for AM, fold more laundry. I managed to do most of this with no attitude and a smile on my face.

Well, guess what friends? That freakin’ smile is gone! I look in our bedroom and what do I see, The Big Guy laying across the bed watching the baseball game and playing around on the laptop. Oh hell no!!! I lost it a bit. “You know what, you son of a bitch, I haven’t sat down all day either, why don’t you go in and read Ali a story. Can you help me a little hear asshole!” Not very nice, but I felt better after saying it.

I know that he worked today and came home to a very hassled dinner table and kids all jacked up on sugar and some sort of solar power that for some reason just doesn’t penetrate anyone above the age of 21, but come the shit on. You know? When is my flippin’ break? When do I get to take a 45 minute shit? When do I get to take a piss without The Babe telling me my pubic hair is nasty? When do I get to lay across the bed before 9:30 PM and leisurely watch whatever the hell I want?

I know, I know, when I became a mom I gave all those rights up, but I can still bitch about it. I will just pretend in my crazy ass head that pissin’ and moaning will make a difference and poof, that The Big Guy won’t have to be told what to do at bedtime (after 6 years of being a daddy!).

I love him so much, but god damn is he a freakin’ jackass sometimes. It’s like he thinks with that cute ass of his! LOL….