Gaga For Lulu

Over the lunch table…

M3: “How do we get babies in our belly?”

Mommy: OMG, “What do you mean?”

M3: “When we are grown up and want babies, how are they put in there?”

The Babe: Pointing to her belly, “Grow in your belly, naaassstty!”

Mommy: Blank stare and disbelief, “Well, when you get bigger and ….

M3: “I mean, when daddy loved you and you wanted K, how did his love make a baby grow?”

Mommy: Smiling at her pureness and seriousness, “Daddy and Mommy loved each other very much, so we were able to create a baby inside my belly to love for always, that was Kaelyn, you and then Ali.”

The Babe: Smiling at me and putting her arms out for a hug, “I looovvee you my mommy and my daaaaaaddddeee too!”

Mommy: Thinking I escaped, “So when you get to be older and find someone that you love like…”

M3: “Duh, I know that mommy, but what inside of you catches daddies love and forms a baby? Is it there from when we are little and grows later when we are big?”

Mommy: Oh, how I wish The Big Guy was here, “Mommies have eggs inside us that grow when we fall in love, like I did with daddy, and they grow bigger to become a baby. The eggs are so little you can’t see them and they are there our whole lives till we find that special love, like your daddy! That is when they are allowed to grow into a pretty little girl, like you and your sisters, or a boy like your cousins.”

M3: Looking at me like she wants to ask more, “Oh, that is good, my eggs will fall in love one day and make babies too. Hear that Ali, you have eggs that will be a baby!”

The Babe: Making a funny face, “Nassstttyyy!”

Isn’t parenting fun? Where the hell is the guide for this shit? Let me know how you think I did with my answers. Be kind, remember, my blood sugar is all out of wack. LOL!!!!

“I faurrrted mommy”

“Uh huh, everyone farts”

“Ohhh, mommy your breath is naaasssstty, no talk now, brush teef”

Yup, that is what I woke up to. I felt like saying, “if you don’t like my breath, then go in your own freakin’ bed and sleep, you little….”. But I love that little boogie face, so I just smiled and tickled the hell out of her.

I need a little pick me up after my day yesterday. As some of you have deduced from my ramblings, I am a diabetic. Diet and exercise controlled, but none the less, I have to check my sugars daily and keep myself in check. Well, after lunchtime yesterday, I did not feel well and thought I was going to pass out. I mean, I felt like shit!

I checked my sugar, 540. Holy fuddruckers. I have never ever been high like that before. I always keep myself in the 80’s, with an occasional high of 130. But 540, oh it was scary! It took 5 hours for it to come below 300 and The Big Guy had to come home early due to my “fuzzy” head. I have a Dr’s appointment tomorrow AM. Sucks though, I couldn’t go to work today, I need to keep a close check on the blood sugar thing and can’t think when I get high like that. Thinking would be essential in that whole nursing thing. LOL!

So yeah, I am scared to eat anything. I did have a low carb, low sugar yogurt, all 80 calories of it and 2 carbs, and my sugar soared to 240. Well damn. Who the hell knows. I am educated in diabetes, teach my patients all the time and even write for a diabetic site, but I feel clueless.

It is so flippin’ scary when it is happening to you, you know? All I have to say is thank god I am medicated with the ol’ anxiety stuff, or I would be broken out in hives right now.

And The Babe and M3 are giving me a run for my money today. Oh, how I miss poopy paradise at times. And on top of everything my bleep bleepin’ bleep fingertips are so damn bruised from checking my sugar a thousand times over the last day. Ugh!

So it went something like this:

Bow chicka bow bow, “together” time on the horizon!

The moves are being made, the lights are dimmed, music is on (ok, I am lying about all that but you get the fliipin’ idea) and all systems a go.

The Big Guy: “I hear feet” pitter pat coming down the hallway.
Mommy: “Are you kidding me?”
The Big Guy: “Hi Ali!!!”
The Babe: “Hi Daddy, me no like my bed, sleep here” as she jumps right on up between us.
Mommy: “I guess I will sleep in her damn bed. Ali, will you move over a bit or should I go to your bed?”
The Babe: “Night Mommy, me sleep with daaaddeee!”

The Big Guy and I give each other a smile and a fist bump. Well shit, I guess it will happen at some point. But come on, give me a frickin’ break!

Turn up the sound and enjoy some pictures and a podcast from a nice Spring day in Maryland. Sometimes, life is flippin’ sweet!

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Last week I shared with you my boo hoo story about my doctors visit. The one where I started a new medicine for anxiety. Effexor to be exact. I have been totally flippin’ Effexorized. OMG, I am so much calmer. No more chest pains or crazy maniac yelling fits.

Thank the sweet pink mother of pearl. M3 even looked at me tonight and said, “Mommy, I like you today, you haven’t been yelling and you let us do more fun stuff. I love you, you are a cool Mommy”. Ugh, I guess I was a little too stressed out if even the kids noticed!

The Big Guy and I took The Babe and M3 to Target this afternoon. By the way, he expressed his gripes about the trip on his site. Funny, we write about the same topics but with a different take on the situations. Well damn, I hope we are not morphing into one person, I find that so annoying. The couples that finish each others sentences and dress alike. Annoying!!

I wander in my own head sometimes, focus Kendra. Target. As I was sipping on my sodas and perusing the spring clothes, I realized I have become THAT type of Mommy. The one that lets her kids run up and down the aisle and hide in the middle of the clothing racks. The one that just doesn’t seem to frickin’ care if the kids are speaking in a playground voice or singing out of tune loud enough for the man buying hearing aid batteries to turn in my direction. Oh hell, what has come of me?

I will tell you, Effexor. It is great for my anxiety and OCD, not a real diagnosis, just a hunch, but not so great for my giving a shit. My house was totally trashed this afternoon by The Tribe. I couldn’t walk without stepping over something. The Babe emptied every piece of her wardrobe on to the flippin’ floor and I just smiled and took a picture of her very inappropriate dress up outfit. The Boss broke 2 bracelets and the beads bounced all over the very dusty and dirty wood floors.

I am in a pickle! I feel so damn good right now, but am worried I am a little too chill. I know the medicine will level out in the next few weeks, but until then, I just don’t give a big ol’ flying shiznit about a damn thing.

Where is Scooby Doo when you need him? This is a mystery. Who invaded my body and stole my crazy, maniac ass, fly of the handle, obsessive, always in control and forever neat brain?

I have decided to try to enjoy the ride. I will surrender to the sweet serotonin and norepinephrine that is being regulated in my brain. I will take that little grey and pink pill every morning with hopes of continuing my streak of happy go lucky mommying. I will stop worrying about something that has made a positive damn difference in my life. I will just let it be for a while, something I haven’t done in a long ding dang time!

I’d like to dedicate this song to all my fellow mommy bloggers:

A couple quick freakin’ questions before I head out on my next expedition:

1. Are spaghettio’s considered a real lunch?

2. How can The Babe draw a mural on the wall 3 feet from where I am sitting without me seeing her?

3. Why does the sound of M3’s voice sound like fingernails across a blackboard?

4. Why does the nurse at The Boss’s school call me at least once a week?

5. When will “together” time be HOT again?

6. Why do I hate bobble dolls, that was for you Big Guy?

7. Why does a government meeting for the The Big Guy last 3 hours discussing agenda and a meeting about resuscitation status and life support last 15 minutes?

Finally,

8. Do I even care what the answers are?

Ok good news. First, my mom had her knee replaced this AM and it went well, I just talked to her and she is gorked up on Dilaudid, some fine medication! I hope she is nice to those nurses and doesn’t give them a hard time, I told her they would medicate her ass into sleep if she does, just kidding!!!! Second, apparently The Big Guy still has it. A nice lady hit on him at lunchtime, to bad she was 75 +years old. She eyed him up and down and asked what size he wore, and told him he was the best lookin’ guy in the place. By the way, I could see her cataracts they were so thick! Haha.

Funny news now, well actually funny story. I took the younger part of The Tribe and The clan, my 2 nephews, to Costco at lunchtime. I had to return some clothes and The Big Guy met us there for lunch. I know, how freakin’ cute. He would never admit it but he just can’t get enough of me, LOL!!!! Of course I made 3 bathroom breaks, why the hell not. Why can’t they all pee at the same time? So, in the bathroom with The Babe and my oldest nephew, Chub Rock (he is 31/2 and 30 lbs, so not so much chubby!), we had an Anatomy lesson:

The Babe: Screams, “I go pee pee in potty, my ghina go pee pee, it smells, it smell nasty”.

Mommy: “Shh, keep your voice down, we will take a bath when we get home. Make sure you wipe good”.

Chub Rock: Who is now taking his turn, “I go pee pee to, but my pee pee comes out my wienie. See.” To The Babe.

The Babe: Loudly screamimg: “Ooohh, His penish is gross, not like daddy’s (I should hope not), his wienie is white.” I have no idea what the hell she is talking about, my husband is of English decent, but whatever.

Chub Rock: “Aunt Kendra (I should have just told him to be quiet at that point) my wienie is straight in the morning when I get up. It sticks out like this (pulling his poor little doohicky in all directions)”.

Mommy: “Shhh, we will discuss this later (holding back laughter).”

The Babe: “I want a wienie like his, no more ghina (sweet mother of pearl, why me?).”

We come out of the stall and I have 3 older ladies just shaking their heads, I honestly think they were disgusted with me. Like I can control what comes out of the mouths of 2 little snot noses. I so wish The Big Guy would have taken them to the bathroom, he would have had a frickin’ heart attack. Why do us Mommies get all the fun?

I can’t believe I am writing about this. It is somewhat embarrassing, but as you all know, I am as real as real gets! I had an appointment with my internist on Friday AM. He is this cute little guy, only a few years older than me, 3 kids, 5′4″ and about 150 lbs. I could pick him up and put him in my big ol’ 5′9″ pocket. But he is good for someone like me, yeah I said someone like me.

First strike, I’m a nurse. Second strike, I am outspoken, loud and opinionated. I know that is hard to believe, but I am telling the truth. LOL! Third strike, I have a BioPsychology degree and know all about mental health, medications that go along with it and therapeutic strategies. Why then can I not “fix” myself? Who the hell knows.

So Friday AM, rainy, tired from work the day before, 14 hours or so, stressed about what needed to be accomplished that day, and quite honestly just plain old worn down from this crazy life that has been mine for the last 2 and a 1/2 years. In I walk to the doctors office, Dr. Shorty Pants comes in and asks if his 7 year old daughter can come in for our visit, she was with daddy for the day, spring break. He has no clue what I am there for, I say ok, always wanting to make everyone happy.

Here we go, flood gates open and I am trying with all my force to keep all those freakin’ tears back. Thank the sweet lord he could see the angst on my face and asked his daughter to leave the room. I went through an entire box of kleenex’s, 2 glasses of water, and 40 minutes of my very kind doctors day. Why was I so upset? I..have..no..idea! I was there to discuss my anxiety issues, I feel like an elephant is on my chest some days, I swear I am going to stroke out one day. Anywho, I was questioning medication, or a partial lobotomy. The Big Guy will tell you the latter would work better.

After all this boo hooing and blubbering on, trying to shoot down every possible suggestion he had, I told you he was good for someone like me, I agreed to try Effexor XR. It is an SNRI, he thinks I have a serotonin issue, I think I have a damn brain issue! I started the ding dang medicine right away, gulped it down with a big ass diet coke, called The Big Guy to let him know I was officially crazy and now on this medicine, cried hysterically for another hour, had a root canal finished and 2cavities filled, apparently my teeth now suck too, and headed home to research the medicine. Please show me some reason not to take it. Nothing good, so I decided to be compliant.

Hip hip hooray, it works. Now, normally the medicine would take about 3 weeks to see a full difference, but since I was on a different medication already, I am really not all that freakin’ crazy, I will feel the effect quicker. Not to mention, prescription meds hit me hard!

Getting back to the present, oh hell yeah it works. I had 2 bowls of cereal spilled, 3 messes of juicy dog shit, 2 temper tantrums, could not find my keys, watched The Babe try to eat The Big Guy’s deodorant and stepped in a puddle of piss, who knows who it is from, with brand new socks on. Did I lose it? Did my chest explode and my eyeballs roll around in my head till I couldn’t see anything but red? Nope, I just cleaned the stuff up, checked if poison control was necessary, kept looking for the keys, and wore tennis shoes with no socks.

Is that an accomplishment, you ask? For someone LIKE me, damn skippy!!!!

M3: “Why is your butt so big, I can play on it like a drum, boom, boom, boom. It has dimples like sissy’s cheeks?”

The Babe: “Oooh, your ghina is yucky, why dere hair like dat? It is naaaasssty.”

M3: (staring at the ol’ taters) “Why are your nipplees so big, they look like pepperoni, but pinker. I didn’t eat out of them, right? They are nasty.” (making a face of total disgust)

Yeah, you guessed it, we all jumped in the shower this AM. My lazy ass didn’t give them a bath last night. I love the fact that I have turned into this gross, appalling science experiment. You know, I would love to tell those little snot faces that mommy was a division 1 athlete and used to have a strong, muscular, athletic body, but they would just stare at me is disbelief. It is kinda like when they look at our wedding album and say, “Mommy, you used to be sooo pretty”. Little bitch asses!!

At least M3 told me I had pretty hair, like a princess!!!!! LOL!

It went something like this….

The Babe: Sleeping on the couch at, you guessed it 5:15 PM.

Mommy: “You want to go to Chili’s for dinner?”

The Big guy: “Are you freakin’ kidding me? She’s asleep over there.”

The Boss and M3: “Yeah, Yeah, we want to go.” ( To The Babe), “Get up, get up, get up!!!!!”

The Babe: Throwing the biggest shit fit you ever have seen. I mean, screaming, kicking and throwing some bows! Apparently she wasn’t ready to get up.

Mommy: “We are going to dinner damn it, LOL!! Get your shoes on girls.”

The Big Guy: “OMG, are you kidding me?( Loud sigh), If Mommy says she wants to go, lets go.”

The Babe: She has kicked it up a notch, she is really pulling out all the tricks!

The Boss: Hysterically crying in the middle of the kitchen floor, ” I can’t tie my shoes, I thought I knew how, I used to know how, now I can’t”. She is refusing help from us. She is sobbing, I thought she was going to throw up.

M3: “Daddy, Mommy, I am being good, right? Am I being a good listener? I am ready to go, I have my shoes and coat on.” She is looking around with a smirk on her face, enjoying her sister’s misery.

The Big Guy: “Come on, we are getting in the car.” Picks up The Babe who is still screaming and M3 follows still smiling away! Ever so gently places them in the car. He really has had an amazing amount of patience lately. Our neighbors probably think we are nuts, with all the commotion that goes on.

Meanwhile, still inside…

Mommy: “Let me help you, Daddy is in the car. I will teach you how to tie them again” The Boss is pulling her laces out of her shoes and sobbing away. I probably shouldn’t say this but, I was laughing. If you could have seen her face and the anger she had for these damn shoe laces, I just lost it.

The boss: “Fine, but I am not eating and I am going to cry the whole time”

Mommy: “OK, I don’t care, we are going to dinner as a family.” When did I turn into my Mom? LOL!!!!

A short car ride later…

The Babe has settled down but refuses to be put down, I swear she would rebirth herself is she could. M3 is still commenting on how good she is being and talking incessantly. The Boss is still carrying on about shoelaces and has now kicked her shoes completely off.

Do you think we went home? Hell no, we went in to ding dang Chili’s and ate dinner as a family damn it!!! By the way, the food sucked. Freakin’ figures!