Gaga For Lulu

I think I am hormonal today. I even had a good cry, thank you very much Oh The Joys (by the way, this is one of my favorite sites). Every once and a while I reflect on the birth of The Babe. It was 2 1/2 years ago and I still remember it like was yesterday! The 7 weeks that followed were so damn scary!!!

How can a women who doesn’t have any of the inside girlie parts be so ding dang emotional and hormonal, you ask? Who the hell knows? I am convinced that even after a hysterectomy us girls still get our monthly boo hoo’s. You can’t convince me other wise, partly because I have researched this topic at length and partly because I am so flippin’ bull headed.

Ok, getting back to the birth of The Babe and the days that followed. I was induced at 38 weeks or so, due to being eclamptic. I was so fortunate to deal with that with all 3 of my pregnancies. LOL. She was born at 10:10 P.M. and everything was great. She was perfect and we were moved to the mother baby unit shortly after.

By 2 A.M., I was bleeding uncontrollably in the bathroom. I remember calling to The Big Guy while I was in the bathroom, “I think you should call the nurse now, something is not right, there is too much blood”. With that there was a lot of hustle and bustle and I was put back in bed and had a good ol’ manual evacuation of, for lack of better words, “stuff”. How freakin’ fun.

You want to know the really funny part? They still sent me home the next day. Thats right, my hematocrit was in the toilet and I couldn’t close my legs due to 2 hands being shoved up there right after giving birth. Not to mention the amount of cramping I had due to having prolonged pitocin for 24 hours, thanks to the good ol’ bleed.

I am going to share with you an interesting fact: redheads bleed more than anyone else, also we have an increased tolerance for pain. I have now been told this by at least 10 doctors and it is in most labor and delivery nursing text books. Kinda funny, huh? Go ahead, Google it.

To make a very long story short, I was readmitted to the hospital 4 days after coming home with my new baby. Yup, you guessed it, I was hemorrhaging again. In the 7 weeks that followed, I was in the hospital a total of 32 days, had a total of 4 D&C’s, 2 uterine arterty embolectomies, by the way I was the first to ever have one of these procedures at this institution, many and many units of blood and finally a total hysterectomy (that means I am in cited in medical research, I can just picture the big ol’ picture of my “down there” parts, I am so proud).

Thank the sweet lord that number 1, I didn’t die, I was quite close a couple times, and number 2, that I had the eneormous support system that we were surrounded with. The Big Guy was a full time worker, full time daddy, full time worrier while I was in the hospital, but he always held it together when he came to visit me. He even brought The Babe to see me a couple of times, which kept me smiling. It was so damn hard to see your kids maybe 3 times in a month, and one was just a wee little baby.

Oh, I cried so much. My mom and mother in law kept the house running and kids taken care of. My close friends helped out at the house and took turns visiting me, even stayed in the room when my big ass got a bath. God bless them! Their eyes were probably burned by my flesh! My dad came and sat with me almost everyday and never showed a look of panic or urgency. Knowing what I know now, that was a big job.

I know, I should probably see a therapist due to the fact that I still think about this every once in awhile. I do think that this has actually made our family so much stronger though. I know I am sarcastic, crass and even seem ungrateful with some of my writing, but believe me, when I look at my kids and think, “what if”, I say a big thank you to the guy upstairs. I could have missed out on all this craziness! And damn it, this is my craziness!!!

Tonight, as I am sitting here contemplating whether or not to eat dinner, I fed The Tribe left overs earlier, I am pondering a plethora of things. Oh dingity dang, what is wrong with my brain that I wonder such questions?

1. Why is my middle boy dog licking my oldest girl dog’s “ghina”?

2. Why does my husband talk in a high pitched, twangy ass voice when imitating one of our dogs (does he know dogs don’t talk)?

3. Why was school cancelled today for 2 inches of snow?

4. Why do my kids get a kick out of Mrs. Crazy, Mean Mommy?

5. Why does The Babe pee while standing in front of the toilet (her little ass is 2 inches away from the toilet)?

6. Why does the circus cost $200 for a family of 5 (thats right, 200 freakin’ dollars)?

7. Why did the cleaning lady that I fired yesterday leave me 2 phone messages to call her today (oh hell no)?

8. Why does M3 make a, “your so damn gross and disgusting, I can’t believe your my mommy face”, every morning while I am getting dressed?

9. Why does “together” time last less than 15 minutes (remember the days…)?

10. Why is my nephew obsessed with my “down there” hair (he came in the bathroom while I was tinkling last week, and I am a red head, he is scarred for life)?

And finally….

10. Why don’t I have a prescription for Xanax?

So sorry it has been a while, but life can really get hairy sometimes. I tried to write yesterday a total of five times. Yeah, it was one of those days where I wondered who invaded my body and took over with crazy, irrational thoughts. I think I was totally flippin’ nuts yesterday.

Mrs. Nice Mommy was apparently sent on vacation and Mrs. Mean, Bitchy, No filter in the Mouth, Yelling, Maniac Women visited! Yup, that would still be me I am referring to.

I beg you not to judge my crazy ass, it is not everyday that I carry on like this!

The Boss woke up yesterday writhing about in pain on the floor, crying hysterically and moaning that her belly felt like it was going to explode. “I feel like I want to throw up, but can’t. It hurts behind my belly button and on my right side. It hurts soooooo bad mommy!”

As you know, I am a nurse so the immediate red flag went up. Ding, ding, ding, she has appendicitis. I honestly have only seen The Boss react like that one other time when her arm was dislocated. So, I did what any crazy, irrational parent would do. Against my better judgment, I rushed her to the doctors office. Oh hell, I became one of those parents that we make fun of at work, jumping the gun and going into crisis mode over nothing.

When we arrived at the doctors, The Boss decides she is going to read books and play with the puzzles. OK, maybe she is feeling a little better. I should have just gotten up and canceled the damn appointment and gone home, but remember I was irrational and nuts yesterday! We waited for our turn.

The doctor takes one look at The Boss, who is telling jokes and laughing by now, and gives her one simple command. “Jump up on the table.” She does. And with that, the doctor starts laughing at my parental judgment. “I know as a nurse you know that if she had appendicitis she would not be able to jump like that. I think she just has a belly virus. You might have over reacted this morning. With three kids, I would expect a little more conservation.”

Oh hell no! “Well, she was acting a bit different this morning and I just wanted to be sure there was nothing majorly wrong. I am so sorry if we wasted your time( did I just say that?).” Once again, whoever invaded my body stole the mouth filter that is usually in place.

I think I yelled at The Boss all the way home. Why did Mrs. Nice Mommy have to take a vacation yesterday when my oldest pookie bear didn’t feel well. At this point in the morning I tried to make a fresh start on the day. Yeah, that didn’t work!

I called the house cleaner, to officially fire her. The conversation turned into a twenty minute debate. What the shit? Why did she have to pick a fight? That filter thing in my mouth I was referring to earlier was officially gone for the day! Mrs. Crazy Pants, aka me, let her know what I though about her comments and that she was over priced, $110 dollars, and that I felt that she was unprofessional.

I didn’t just stop there. When she tried to comment about my kids bathroom, I lost it. “They are kids, little kids. I pay you $110 freakin’ dollars every 2 weeks. Your job is to clean. Clean with no comments. I am so sick of you sharing your opinion with me. I don’t care what you have to say, just come and clean. Why can’t you handle that?” Oh shit. I can not believe I went there.

If all that psychoness wasn’t enough, Mrs. Mean Mommy screamed all afternoon. Now, at times it was warranted. For the second day in a row The Babe and M3 played in the toilet. The babe emptied a whole box of kleenex’s in the toilet, yes I was within viewing distance. Wait, thats not it. M3 took a big ol’ poop right on top. So, guess what I had to do? Thats right, dig around poop to pull out the kleenex’s.

Needless to say, I was a maniac, screaming and yelling with irrational threats. “Sit in your room for the rest of the day with nothing, no tv, no books, no toys and no talking!” I ask you, what rational women would say such things? That damn crazy person who invaded my body was going to pay for this. Nanny McPhee , where the hell are you? LOL

Off to the library in late afternoon. See, I told you they were empty threats. I rewarded their horrible behavior with a trip to get books. That would be Mrs. Nice Mommy try to make an appearance. The Tribe was well behaved, No books were pulled down, no loud screaming, no fighting and no one asked us to leave. Success!

The Big Guy did go with us, maybe has a calming effect on The Tribe right now. He has been in this calm, understanding, happy mood for a week. What the hell? I guess this is why our marriage works, we balance each other out. When I am crazy, he is sane and the opposite.

By the way, there was a family at the library that smelled like they had eaten onions for dinner. Did The Tribe keep quiet on this one? Well, kind of. The Babe did say, “Somepin’ smells nastee. Go brush their teef”. She said it quietly enough that I was the only one that heard, and I almost peed a little from laughing so hard.

I think this was the turning point for Mrs. Nasty, Crazy Mommy. Miraculously, Mrs. Nice Mommy returned. I didn’t say my rational thoughts returned, just that I wasn’t going to become hoarse from screaming any more.

After the library we went to Target to get the kids a hot dog, so nutritious, and cleaning supplies. Ughhh! As we are pulling in the parking lot, who pulls behind us? The cleaning lady. You have got to be shittin’ me, I didn’t even know she lived in the area. I say to The Big Guy, “Can we wait in the car a few minutes”?

After much laughter he did say yes. I was convinced she saw us and was following us. “Is she going in yet?” I even contemplated just going home, but The Big Guy forced my rational self to return. Thank gosh!

We got out of the caravanarama and went in the store. To be honest, I was watching over my shoulder and looking feverishly back and forth for any sign of her. We loaded up the cart with cleaning supplies and of coarse my source of news, an In Touch magazine. Yup, that is one step below people magazine, but I don’t give a flying hoot!

Did the register really say $150? Holy shitballs! I was second guessing that whole cleaning lady thing. No, I will stay strong.

To top of the lovely night, I lost $250 in circus tickets, blamed The Big Guy a hundred times, and The Babe hung out in our room till 10:00. I heard the garage doors open at 10:30. It was the Big Guy rumaging through our nasty trash cans looking for the tickets.

I found the tickets this morning in the cravanarama. I had put them there on Friday afternoon. I did try to make right and call The Wonderful, Lovely, Handsome, Calm Big Guy to let him know it was me who misplaced them. I get Mrs. Nice Mommy And Wife points for that, right?

Oh yeah, Saturday morning in good ol’ Baltimore City! The Big Guy, my sis and I tried to take The Pack to free admission day at the Baltimore Zoo. Well, to make a long story short, after close to two hours in the car we hadn’t even made it off of I-83. Apparently every other parent in the surrounding areas also had the same idea. The Big Guy made an executive decision to keep on going into the city and make a day at the National Aquarium in Baltimore. It was fun. Most importantly, The Babe found Nemo. By the way, The Big Guy was in an awesome mood. I guess that wellbutrin really does work after all!

We hit every bathroom that that the Aquarium had. That’s right, all of them. We took 5 bathroom breaks in 3 and a half hours. And what’s the deal with all the adults there without kids pushing to the front of the glass? I understand we are very fortunate to have so many cool places within driving distance, but you’re twice the height of the kids trying to see the damn fish. Reach your big-ass arm up above their heads and take you digital camera pic. Or at least wait until they get out of the way after getting a good view. The Pack was very patient in waiting, at least we appear to be doing something right.

This would be what my laundry area looked like this morning. The Big Guy just pulls everything out of the dryer to get what he wants. Oh boy, to be a man. Let’s see, he is responsible for taking a crap, getting a shower, hmmm, and that is about it on the weekends. Holy hell is that tough. Don’t worry, he will help me fold it later, I’m not his mommy! Also, we did fire the cleaning lady. I am back on the cleaning wagon. Yeah. The Big Guy did promise to help. I will keep you posted on that one. LOL.

Yes, that is a piece of poop courtesy of the youngest mongrel, Dexi. How would you like to wake up to that almost every morning? Why doesn’t he get it? Is his brain broken? Is he defiant? Or is he just plain dumb? Yup, that one, his brain is the size of a walnut. We would get rid of him but he does make us some money. We stud him, and might I add he is darn good at it. The Big Guy says it is from observing what happens in our bedroom. Ok, that would explain why he was “latched” on quicker than any other dog I have ever seen.

There he is, oh what a freakin’ beauty! You never know, he might just go to “the farm” one day.

This is where Sunday morning got good. Damn right. That is The Babe’s bedroom. I made the mistake of laying in bed for an hour this morning. I was up all night with her. By the way, The Big Guy was on the computer, “taking care” of the kids. Whatever! Does this look like adult supervision?

As I continued down the hallway, I came upon The Tribe. Yes, that is a beanbag on top of the bed. Safety first. We will definitely get parents of the year. At least they are clothed, even though they are in dress ups. The Tribe are going to be nudists. I am so sick of seeing heiney cracks and, as they say, “ghinas”, I could scream. Do they know it is still winter? Who cares? I guess they are free spirits. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?

That damn pile of clothes has been moved, refolded and moved back three times now. I should get a clue and put them away, but that would take effort. Why am I so lazy sometimes? I need to call one of my close friends for a reality check. I need to hear that it is ok to sit down for more than ten minutes and to enjoy the cotton pickin’ day. Phone call to Weezy is now on the list for this morning! Maybe I should go take my wellbutrin. If only there was a magic pill that worked like that, it would be sold out.

The Big Guy nabbed some goodies for this morning. I gave him the choice of cleaning up the mess The Tribe had made or going to Wawa. Guess which he chose? Hey, I am thankful for the cup of joe and sugary, non diabetic, donuts that I shoved in my face. The kitchen island has never looked so appetizing. OMG were the treats so good!

So, I should probably add to my list, take a shower. Why you say. Mommy doesn’t like the greasy, make-up smeared, funky teeth, non bra wearing self that is her in the morning. Yeah, I’m pretty gross. I am such a tomboy, always will be I guess. I am reading one of my guilty pleasures, people magazine. What would life be without the little things? Time to get my big ol’ butt up and do something productive, maybe even wash my face. If I want any chance of getting lovin’ tonight, I need to at least put deodorant on. The Big Guy doesn’t ask for much! LOL.

Today pretty much sucked. I think it is because I am extremely flippin’ tired. Do you ever get to the point where you feel like curling up into a ball in the middle of the floor? Well, that is where I am right now. The Tribe’s every word is making me want to scream shut up. Not very motherly, huh? Especially following my last post.

Lets see, I have about two inches of damn water all over the bathroom. The Babe just doesn’t get the concept of water inside the tub. “Look mommy, I washing the wall. Let me wash you arm.” Hell no! M3 and The Boss are jumping on the bed repeatedly and putting make-up on. Yeah, they just had a bath. Mommy,”Are you guys jumping on the bed?” The Tribe, “No mommy, we are just playin’.” Little liars, I am watching them down the hall jump away. You know what? I don’t have the energy to care right now. If there is blood, I will spring into action.

I have two loads of laundry sitting there folded and ready to be put away. The water is still sitting there on the floor. I have to go to the bathroom and we don’t have any toilet paper. To top it all off the Big Guy is displaying his usual lay and watch tv while he screams threats and commands at The Tribe. The sound of his voice makes me want to go through the ceiling. Holy shit, I think I need a drink, or some xanax, and I don’t have either. LOL.

I know one thing for certain, tomorrow can’t possibly be as bad as today. Well, two things, The Big Guy aint getting any lovin’ tonight either. So help me, if he snores tonight, I might put a hurtin’ on him!

Oh joy, The Babe is screaming in my face again.

OMG, I worked in Poopy Paradise yesterday, aka, the hospital. Ok day over all. I did have a demented crazy that decided to dig in his own crap. Try getting that out from under nails. On top of it, he called me “the devil women” and kicked at us most of the day. He was a real gem!

Thank the sweet lord I worked with a great group of back up singers. The Fashionsta, Reds, Va-va-va-Val, were all in top form. Keepin’ it real is always important when you are playing with the patients for twelve hours.

Well, I did have one patient that made me stop dead in my tracks. Thirty seven years old, no kids, no wife, very nice dying man. OMG, why? Bone cancer, all over his body.

As you all are going through your day wiping asses and snotty noses and listening to screamimg demands from the little ones, just keep this in mind. Oh hell, why do I have to reflect? I know, but sometimes it just hits home.

At breakfast, The Boss and M3 were fighting over chairs. The Babe carried around deli ham insisting everyone wanted to eat some and The Clan were fired up. I thought about losing my crackers, but somehow held back. How did I do it? I started thinking about that big, muscular handsome patient that will never get to experience this very insanity! This is just too ding dang flippin’ real.

The Tribe will be so sick of mommy by dinner time. I am going to hug the shit out of them today!!

I know some of you have made this type of list before, I just have to flippin’ vent, so here it goes……

1. Wake up to The Babe playing in my nose holes, yes I know they are called nostrils.

2. Go get The Big Guy up, he fell asleep on the couch after letting the dogs out at 4 A.M..

3. Wash face, brush teeth, pull hair up and get dressed, shower comes later after elliptical.

4. Get The Babe dressed.

5. Make two of the four beds.

6. Fold laundry that was in the dryer, damn is it wrinkly, maybe The big Guy does have a somewhat valid complaint.

7. Load washer and run it through.

8. Get The Boss and M3 up, get them dressed.

9. Make the remaining two beds, complete with a sheet change on one, did someone pee in here? Change it just in case!

10. Do The tribe’s hair, get their teeth brushed.

11. Switch clothes from washer to dryer. Isn’t it glamorous?

12. Go down and make lunches.

13. Get breakfast on table, well hardly breakfast, left over munchkins and yogurt. Oh well.

14. Clean up dog shat! Life is beautiful.

15. The clan is arriving, aka my nephews.

16. Unload the dishwasher.

17. TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

18. Finish feeding all five kids.

19. Load the dishes up.

20. Fix a clogged toilet, thanks to The Boss. How much toilet paper does one child need?

21. To be honest, yell a little. Why is running and jumping off the end of the couch a good idea?

22. Fix a coat hook in the mudroom, once again thanks to the impatience of The Boss.

23. Call in prescriptions needed.

24. Feed the dogs. They are the shitinist group of dogs I have ever met. I know, not really a word.

25. Pack up car for morning errands.

26. Clean up pee in living room, no, not The babe’s. This was thanks to the little mongrel, Dexi.

27. Gather library books.

28. Walk The Boss to the bus top.

29. Hunt to find M3 something for show and tell. I think we have showed everything over the last two years, including one of mommy’s nighties, sans my knowledge!

30. Complete a test in The Nursing Spectrum for 1.5 CE credits.

31. Beg the remaining four to put their shoes and jackets on, why can I still find no socks. Damn it!!!

32. Get them loaded up in the caravanarama.

33. Get myself a diet coke, my guilty pleasure in the A.M., if this keeps up it could become a fifth. Just kiddin’, I think. LOL.

Eight A.M. And we’re off! Well, I guess I feel better now. Thanks for listening to my ding dang list.

By the way, due to popularity, I am going to try to use the term “wet fart” more often. Hahahaha.

An update on The Babe’s pee pee problems:

One pee pee accident in the middle of the foyer.

One pee pee accident standing in front of the toilet.

One “wet fart” while watching Wonder Pets in the family room.

It is ten A.M.

She is now wearing a pull-up. Damn skippy.

Ok, I am trying to stay calm. I think The Babe has totally regressed on the potty situation. Well, not totally, but enough for me to grow concerned. How many accidents can we possibly have in three days? Better yet, how many accidents can we have till mommy gets a clue and uses the pull ups? I don’t have a good answer to either.

The Babe: I gotsta go poopee!( waddling down the hall)

Mommy( hoping against all odds that she means still has to go): Ok, come on, you can use mommy’s potty.

The Babe: No mommee, I go poopee in my pants, I’ze a big girl baby.( smiling so cutely)

Mommy( come on damnit’, why, and I don’t even have wipes): Big girls poop on the potty. Why did you go in your pants?

The Babe: I no goes poopee on potty, I goes poopee in my pants. Love you mommee!( holding hands out for a hug)

So this is the third poopy accident in three days. The Babe has also had about four or five ding dang tinkle breaks courtesy of my hardwood floors over the last few days as well. Could she be sick? Sure. Could she be asserting herself? Well, she is my daughter! Could I be over reacting? Hell yes, she is just two and a half, but I really thought we had this licked. It has been a couple of months!

Is it too early for a drink?

Sunday morning. Eight A.M.

Waiting for the snow to start.

The Big Guy is snoring.

I take The Tribe to my parents for breakfast.

Sunday afternoon. One thirty P.M.

The snow has started.

The Big Guy and mommy sitting in family room.

Cable television cutting in and out.

The Tribe playing in living room.

The Big Guy: I am going to take them down the basement with me.

Mommy: Why? They are playing nicely in the other room.

The Big Guy( feeling guilty about having the whole morning to himself ): Don’t you want to write on the computer?

Mommy: Yes.

The Big Guy: Well, I WANT to play video games. The cable is annoying me!

Mommy( annoyed but attempting to be pleasant, there is a lot of Sunday left yet ): Sometimes we don’t always get to do what we WANT.

The Big Guy: Just call me if The Tribe needs anything, I AM going downstairs.

One thirty five P.M. ( yeah, that’s right, just five minutes later).

The babe has taken a bathroom break standing in the foyer.

The Boss is yelling that her sister’s ruined her “mothers day gift”. (Who the hell knows what she was talking about)

M3 is screaming, “I need more toilet paper, NOW”.

The Big Guy is playing away downstairs oblivious to the happenings above.

Oh hell no!

I can feel myself ready to blow.

Mommy: “Get your flippin’ game playing, big boy butt up here!”

Ten minutes later.

All is well.

The Tribe is downstairs with The Big Guy.

Mommy is writing on the computer happy as can be!!!

By the way, The Big Guy and Mommy usually split the fights evenly. I really can’t say to many bad things about him, he is a damn good daddy to The Tribe, and a ding dang fun lovin’ hubby!