Gaga For Lulu

OMG, I worked in Poopy Paradise yesterday, aka, the hospital. Ok day over all. I did have a demented crazy that decided to dig in his own crap. Try getting that out from under nails. On top of it, he called me “the devil women” and kicked at us most of the day. He was a real gem!

Thank the sweet lord I worked with a great group of back up singers. The Fashionsta, Reds, Va-va-va-Val, were all in top form. Keepin’ it real is always important when you are playing with the patients for twelve hours.

Well, I did have one patient that made me stop dead in my tracks. Thirty seven years old, no kids, no wife, very nice dying man. OMG, why? Bone cancer, all over his body.

As you all are going through your day wiping asses and snotty noses and listening to screamimg demands from the little ones, just keep this in mind. Oh hell, why do I have to reflect? I know, but sometimes it just hits home.

At breakfast, The Boss and M3 were fighting over chairs. The Babe carried around deli ham insisting everyone wanted to eat some and The Clan were fired up. I thought about losing my crackers, but somehow held back. How did I do it? I started thinking about that big, muscular handsome patient that will never get to experience this very insanity! This is just too ding dang flippin’ real.

The Tribe will be so sick of mommy by dinner time. I am going to hug the shit out of them today!!

I know some of you have made this type of list before, I just have to flippin’ vent, so here it goes……

1. Wake up to The Babe playing in my nose holes, yes I know they are called nostrils.

2. Go get The Big Guy up, he fell asleep on the couch after letting the dogs out at 4 A.M..

3. Wash face, brush teeth, pull hair up and get dressed, shower comes later after elliptical.

4. Get The Babe dressed.

5. Make two of the four beds.

6. Fold laundry that was in the dryer, damn is it wrinkly, maybe The big Guy does have a somewhat valid complaint.

7. Load washer and run it through.

8. Get The Boss and M3 up, get them dressed.

9. Make the remaining two beds, complete with a sheet change on one, did someone pee in here? Change it just in case!

10. Do The tribe’s hair, get their teeth brushed.

11. Switch clothes from washer to dryer. Isn’t it glamorous?

12. Go down and make lunches.

13. Get breakfast on table, well hardly breakfast, left over munchkins and yogurt. Oh well.

14. Clean up dog shat! Life is beautiful.

15. The clan is arriving, aka my nephews.

16. Unload the dishwasher.

17. TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

18. Finish feeding all five kids.

19. Load the dishes up.

20. Fix a clogged toilet, thanks to The Boss. How much toilet paper does one child need?

21. To be honest, yell a little. Why is running and jumping off the end of the couch a good idea?

22. Fix a coat hook in the mudroom, once again thanks to the impatience of The Boss.

23. Call in prescriptions needed.

24. Feed the dogs. They are the shitinist group of dogs I have ever met. I know, not really a word.

25. Pack up car for morning errands.

26. Clean up pee in living room, no, not The babe’s. This was thanks to the little mongrel, Dexi.

27. Gather library books.

28. Walk The Boss to the bus top.

29. Hunt to find M3 something for show and tell. I think we have showed everything over the last two years, including one of mommy’s nighties, sans my knowledge!

30. Complete a test in The Nursing Spectrum for 1.5 CE credits.

31. Beg the remaining four to put their shoes and jackets on, why can I still find no socks. Damn it!!!

32. Get them loaded up in the caravanarama.

33. Get myself a diet coke, my guilty pleasure in the A.M., if this keeps up it could become a fifth. Just kiddin’, I think. LOL.

Eight A.M. And we’re off! Well, I guess I feel better now. Thanks for listening to my ding dang list.

By the way, due to popularity, I am going to try to use the term “wet fart” more often. Hahahaha.

Sunday morning. Eight A.M.

Waiting for the snow to start.

The Big Guy is snoring.

I take The Tribe to my parents for breakfast.

Sunday afternoon. One thirty P.M.

The snow has started.

The Big Guy and mommy sitting in family room.

Cable television cutting in and out.

The Tribe playing in living room.

The Big Guy: I am going to take them down the basement with me.

Mommy: Why? They are playing nicely in the other room.

The Big Guy( feeling guilty about having the whole morning to himself ): Don’t you want to write on the computer?

Mommy: Yes.

The Big Guy: Well, I WANT to play video games. The cable is annoying me!

Mommy( annoyed but attempting to be pleasant, there is a lot of Sunday left yet ): Sometimes we don’t always get to do what we WANT.

The Big Guy: Just call me if The Tribe needs anything, I AM going downstairs.

One thirty five P.M. ( yeah, that’s right, just five minutes later).

The babe has taken a bathroom break standing in the foyer.

The Boss is yelling that her sister’s ruined her “mothers day gift”. (Who the hell knows what she was talking about)

M3 is screaming, “I need more toilet paper, NOW”.

The Big Guy is playing away downstairs oblivious to the happenings above.

Oh hell no!

I can feel myself ready to blow.

Mommy: “Get your flippin’ game playing, big boy butt up here!”

Ten minutes later.

All is well.

The Tribe is downstairs with The Big Guy.

Mommy is writing on the computer happy as can be!!!

By the way, The Big Guy and Mommy usually split the fights evenly. I really can’t say to many bad things about him, he is a damn good daddy to The Tribe, and a ding dang fun lovin’ hubby!

Last summer my mother in law made cloth “paper dolls” in carrying cases for each member of The Tribe. Every doll had a few separate pieces of clothing and accessories with them. They were great! She even made a boy model and sent it to my nephew out west. The kids played with them without the worry of ripping or tearing the new dollies. As you can all deduce, nothing is truly safe in my house. Not even the three, living, breathing dogs! Just ask The Babe.

I have been searching for this type of product online. I think that it would make an original gift. It is something that can be given without the thought of duplicating a toy. Well, thanks to a fellow blogger, I think I have found the answer. Melissa’s site Little Wool Gatherings has the cutest selection of felt dolls and appliques. She even offers the templates for all her products. So cool! My favorite is the felt jungle animals. I love the colors. What kid doesn’t want to make a lion roar?

If anyone had spare time, which I know is few and far between, it would be cool to have a group of mommies over and make some of the dolls and animals using the templates. Hell, you could throw a couple of bottles of wine in and have yourselves a good ol’ time. LOL!

The Big Guy and mommy are asleep in bed.

The Boss has climbed in between us and states she is sleeping there, bad dream.

Mommy moves to The Boss’s bed. Sick of hanging on the edge.

M3 is now standing in the hallway crying that it is dark. Isn’t the hallway light, bathroom light and night light on? Come on!

M3 and mommy are asleep in The Boss’s bed while The Big Guy and The Boss are asleep in our bed.

The Babe is calling for mommy. Mommy is now laying with The Babe in her bed, a twin mattress.

Mommy moves to M3’s bed. Sleep please.

Nope, M3 has summoned mommy back to The Boss’s bed. Why is it so dark? I thought I answered that an hour ago!

What the hell? By the way, The Big Guy snored through most of the activity. Is it almost morning? Let this bull crap be over soon!

It is morning. Mommy is fixing The Boss’s hair. “Mommy, why do you have black lines under your eyes”?

Hahahaha! Oh the joys.

The Babe is now 2 and a half years old. She decided three months ago that she was a “baby big girl” and does not need to nap in the afternoon. I beg to differ.

The problem is that she is fine till about five in the evening and then all hell breaks loose. You know, the time when I am making dinner, doing homework with The Boss and listening to The Big Guy discuss the world turning events that unfolded during his day. Like that conversation can’t wait till later in the night!

The Babe falls to the ground directly under my feet, kicking and screaming till I pick her up and give her my undivided attention. If I put her down, she is asleep. Oh hell no!! I know she doesn’t think she is taking a little nappie poo at five fifteen.

When I force her to take a nap during the day then my night is shot. It will be ten o’clock before I get her to sleep which means no time for mommy. When she doesn’t lay down my evening is a living nightmare.

Oh, what to do? Which is the lesser of two evils?

So we just got back from a four hour long shopping trip with the kids. How fun, right? The Tribe actually wasn’t that bad. The Big Guy was very well behaved and was much calmer than me. I am having an anxiety ridden day. Who knows why. You’ve got to love living with anxiety.

We went to a couple of stores to look for spring clothes for The Tribe. The Big Guy managed to look for himself and I was in charge of keeping the girls in check. Great. We decided to eat lunch at Ruby Tuesdays, we are so sick of happy meals.
We were seated in a booth to better contain The Tribe. The Babe, M3 and I visited the bathroom two times before the appetizers even hit the table. The Boss was unusually well behaved and polite.

A couple was seated next to us and this is were the annoyance came in. Now, I should prefice this with the fact that The Big Guy and I were very good friends before we even dated. We have been together for 12 years and know each other very well. I am a very real person, what you see is what you get. The Big guy loves this about me. As I look to my left, I see a man and women holding hands across the table and gazing in each others eyes. How flippin’ cute. Whatever, The Big Guy and I have not had a date in 3 months. Yes, thats right, I am sore about it!

This couple is conversating, loudly, about such on the surface bullshit that I want to puke right there. The crap they were talking about reminded me of the match.com commercials. My first thought was that they must be on a first date. That was before I heard them mention their daughter. You have to be kidding me, these two asses were married! The Big Guy made eye contact with me and I could tell he was feeling the same way. Anyway, this couple proceeds to pull each other closer and closer across the table as they rub each others arms and hands. I was so damn annoyed at this point.

I guess I should feel lucky that The Big Guy and I are so comfortable with each other that there is no crap among us. Maybe it is that I was just jealous that this couple was out by themselves and we were sitting there with our tribe. By the way, we made a total of four trips to the bathroom and lost 6 crayons over an hour lunch. I think there was also about 25 reminders for the girls to lower their voices.

Am I the only one that gets annoyed, or should I say jealous, at this crap?

Remember the days of looking forward to Friday night? Ha, where have they gone? Now Friday nights consist of, “Will you please go to bed, if you do, I will get Munchkins in the morning”. Followed by, “Mom, its not a school night, can’t we watch more TV”? I wish they were still young enough to bribe. With The boss being 6 and Marsha, Marsha, Marsha being 4.5, we are past that. Then there is The Babe, 2.5, who always pushes the limit. It’s like she knows that mommy and daddy are looking forward to some “together” time. Usually, I end up staring at the clock at about 11:00, while listening to The Big Guy snore thinking, “Are you kidding, is this what life has become”?

Wake up, it’s Saturday morning. Does the clock really say 6:45? You have to be kidding me. The Babe has already taken off all her pj’s and her pull up, and is running around buck naked by 7:00. She has brought me the Balmex tube and is requesting it to be smeared on her baby doll’s ghina. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha and The Boss are screaming for breakfast. The big guy and me are still laying in bed yelling at them to watch cartoons in their rooms. We do this every Saturday morning. It’s like we don’t remember the weekend before!

By lunchtime the Big Guy is done with the bullsh** of the day and I am ready for him to go back to work. I like the convenience of him being home, but he just doesn’t get our routine. You would think after 6 years of this it would get better, but not so much. Saturday afternoon follows suit. By evening, we are still looking for that “together” time. Then there is the thought of showering. It is the weekend, but I guess The Big Guy deserves some clean loving too.

Sunday morning is here. We should really take them to Sunday School, but that would mean showers and getting dressed before 8:00. They do say their prayers before dinner and bedtime, that is good enough, right? Sundays are the worst for the tribe. It is like their brains turn off and they have gone deaf. Typical conversation, “But mom, you never said not to jump from the chair to the couch”, yes i did, “You said not to jump on the couch”. What in the shit is wrong with them. Did I really spawn them? Dinner is put on the table, and The Babe is still naked, did we not get her dressed today? The Boss gives her critique of the food, it is gross. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha makes that face she does, and The Big Guy is already yelling that everyone is going to eat mommy’s dinner or no anything tonight. I think at that point he runs out of threats. Sunday is almost over!!!

How many days till next weekend?

I would just like to say that the XBOX 360 has been the best purchase we have made recently. The big guy and I fought about this “toy”, as I like to call it, for a month or so before he just went out and bought it. He tried everything from, it is for the tribe, to this is the one thing I have left. Please, what the shit do I have?

Anyway, I could not have been more wrong. That is right big guy. I know you are reading this. I was wrong! This little “toy” has freed up countless hours for me. The big guy takes the tribe downstairs and plays for hours with them. I still get The Boss and M3 (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha) running upstairs occasionally to tell on The Big Guy for not sharing, but I quickly resolve that. Even The Babe runs around downstairs, naked of course, with a controller thinking she is playing.

Thank the lord The Big Guy doesn’t always listen to me!