Picture it… 5PM…Chik-fil-a…my sister’s boys and my girls in the play tubes…the door swings open…

The Boss, “Moooommmmmmmm, Ali peed in the tubes and she is sitting in it!!!!!!”

Mommy,  “Ssshhhhhh, I’m coming, hold on a sec”

M3,  “Moommmmyyyy, Ali peed all over the tubes and she woon’t come down!”

My nephew,  “Aunt K, Ali is sitting in her tinkle.  And she peed a whole lot!”

Mommy (very quietly under my breath while I am entering the play tubes), “Thank you guys and shut the hizell up, the whole damn place does not need to know.  Why me????  Why not when daddy has them out.  Now that would be funny!”

By this time I am half way up the tubes with 1000 napkins in my hands and a roll of Lysol wipes.  And my, oh my are those tubes a tight fit for a big ol’ 5′9″ mommy!  So yeah, I had to strip The Babe down and wipe all the very warm, stinky pee pee up.   Then I lysol’ed her legs, feet and the entire tube area that got the “shower”.

So, do I tell the very old, frail, pale, partially blind, hard of hearing, cute as hell old lady that is wiping tables down to climb her skinny butt up there and give it a once over?  Of course not, I get on back up there and clean the hell out of that thing.  It was probably the first time it has been wiped down in a year.  Hell, Chik-fil-a should be thanking my little devil and giving us a free milkshake.  Their tubes are officially clean now!!! Haha.

I must state that “I do love my dogs”. Not quite like I did before kids, but I am still fond of them. And my kids looovvvveee the dogs, all 3 of them! Especially that little shit, Dexie. He would be the woolly wire hair black and tan piebald mini dachshund. Yes, that is a real name and a pure bread mongrel. He is a treat. And he is currently attempting to lick my face and get his little ass under my arm for some love. Are you kidding, I don’t even have any “love” for The Big Buy tonight.

This is so disgusting, funny, and bizarre all in one. A short while ago I was laying on the sofa with The Big Guy watching some pre season football and Dexie was biting at his tail and acting like a, for lack of a better word, sped! He was running in circles, grunting and pulling at his furry ass tail. So, like a good doggy mommy I decided to actually check what was going on. After all, he had been carrying on all night long. Well, guess what? He had a juniper branch, I had trimmed some bushes earlier today, with all of it’s pine and berries intact half stuck up his ass, half embedded in his tail hair. I pulled it on out ever so gently and needless to say, Dexie is one happy boy! he is all, “thank god this women pulled this frickin’ hard ass stick out of my hole”.

“That is right Dexie, would daddy have done that?” Who’s your momma???? hahaha.

Funny story, but first I have a question. Have you ever had that “together” time with your spouse, partner or whatever you call the other half that makes you whole, gag on that one, where you just can’t stop giggling? Actually it is more like laughing. I mean the kind of “fun” where you are both trying your damnedest to get it going on and get into that groove but all you can do is talk, laugh, giggle, smile and roll your eyes at any serious type of affection. Now eventually, we all get ourselves together and ride that wave all the way to shore, but in the process we aren’t exactly the sex kittens we hoped to be.

Yeah, that would be us. I have to admit it is great to be so damn comfortable with someone that sex can be a funny, haha type activity. And while I am at it, I have one more question. Does your bed squeak? What to do about that. I am so afraid that the kids will come charging into the bedroom wondering why mommy is wrestling daddy to the bed naked style. You know? There has to be a way to get a totally quiet bed. I am gonna google that when I am done here, haha.

Now that I have embedded that image into you head, I will tell you the funny story. As this whole oh la la activity was taking place the damn dogs had stadium seating. Ok, so the lil’ dog was under the bed whining and wagging his tail against the wood floor in a copying rhythm. The old bat of a mutt that we call K-dog was just staring at us from about 2 feet away from the side of the bed and the second our “passion” was over, she was trying to nudge her head between The Big Guy and I. Now the middle dog… he actually lay right next to the bed and at the first break in activity he jumped up on the bed like he was gonna be the third player in our two person game.

Isn’t it bad enough that we have to listen for the kids, barricade the damn door and be as silent as possible? Now, we have to put an arm block on the old bat, stay in constant motion if we don’t want to complete a threesome and make sure the bed doesn’t move too much and kill the lil ass dog that is under it. Why don’t we lock them outside the door you ask? Because then they bark, whine and scrape at the door to you let them in. I swear, I feel like I am being scrutinized by a bunch of mongrels. Come the hell on I say. I can’t perform under pressure, hahaha.

First, the title has nothing to do with the post. And second, “It’s so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice!” For those of you not familiar from Anchorman, I am sorry. But for those that are, Mr Burgandy hit the nail on the head with that one! It is freakin’ 102 on the ol’ thermometer. Come the hell on? It has been such a dry, hot and humid summer. The grass is actually crunchy at this point and the flowers are long gone. And because of the horrendous drought in the area, the local corn is just in season and is $4.50 a dozen. Please!!!!

The ‘maters are just ripe and quite honestly taste like dog doo. They just aren’t sweet. Seriously, we are even sweating in the pool. And unless you want to get up at 4:30, when it is right below 90 degrees, forget the jog or walk! I pulled the kids in the wagon this morning and you would have thought I had run a marathon with the way I was sweating. Grossioso!!!!

So yeah, I am ready for the fall. Not just because my older 2 will be in school all day! OMG, it is soooooo exciting, but also for cooler weather. And fall is my fave season anyway. The windows open, playing in sweatshirts, sitting on the porch drinking coffee and a beautiful night sky. See, I can be nice sometimes, hahaha.

I will leave you with a comment from my lil’ ol’ cherubs…

“We can’t wait to go back to school soon, you need a break from us. And you are starting to bore us. Yeah, we are really bored with you Mommy!!!!”

Aren’t they so flippin’ cute?

I am in one of those moods. You know all reflective and stuff? The one’s where I get all choked up when I look at my kids and think that they came from me and The Big Guy. This doesn’t happen often, believe me! But I guess I will just go with it.

The Big Guy and I had a bit of a squabble this weekend. He had a birthday golf/poker night outing for one of our friends that we have known since college. That means they played golf during the day then went back to the big ol’ birthday boy’s house for eats and cards. OK, I can deal with a little male bonding and I understand that The Big Guy doesn’t get to go out all that much, not completely my doing by the way! He is a family man and also deals with a little thing called depression, which would explain him wanting to stay home more than going out. HEY BIG GUY, KEEP READING!

So, when he called in with me to let me know that he was back at their house for food and such he had a bit of an attitude which then made me have a ‘tude. At least that is how I see it, hahaha. Instead of listening to what I was saying on the phone he decided to hang up, rush home and get mad at me for something he THOUGHT I was going to say. Yup, I didn’t even say the words, he just “knows me too damn good and knew what I was gonna say”.

Long story short, it turned into a yelling battle where he wasn’t listening to me and I wasn’t listening to him. We ultimately agreed to disagree! It is hard for men. Women can talk on the phone every damn day to their friends, send cards, email each other and only see each other 3 times a year and still feel just as close. Men put so much on physical being. You know, male bonding. Come to think, it is how they are in so many of their relationships, ie. sex. I had to stick that in there. if they are not seeig them and able to pat each other on the back, they think that the other person just isn’t there.

I do think that as men age they struggle with not “having friends”. What they don’t realize is that the friends are still right there and will always be there, our relationships have just evolved and changed into more mature emotional friendships. But I know that The Big Guy has a tough time with that one and it makes me sad to see him upset about this type of thing.

Of course, hind site is 20/20 and I should have handled Saturday very differently. I should have understood that he was so damn excited for this flippin’ bday celebration and told him to take is time and not to worry about what time he came home! Instead I said a bitchy comment on Friday night like, “You better not come walking through that door at no 10 PM”. I can be mean sometimes. I just wouldn’t think of walking out that door and returning 12 hours later, but then again I am a women and we are so different. But live and learn, right? I feel very bad now and wish I could change it, but I can’t. I have been thinking about it today though, remember I am in that mood, and I am thankful that he is who he is!

One thing is for sure, and this is where the sappy ass part of me comes out, I love The Big Guy with all my heart and want him to be happy. He is an incredible daddy, I mean INCREDIBLE, and works his ass off for his family. He helps me around the house, after 13 years of training, and spends all of his free time with the kids. And then he puts up with my ass, which believe it or not isn’t always perfect. I know, no way you say! But it is true. And we have had a tough summer. We have had to weather yet another set back and deal with some tough issues. And he has never once came down on me. He has been supportive, understanding, loving and so ding dang patient!

I know one thing, at the end of the day he will always be there to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be just fine and that “All we ever need is right here and down that hall. That is what’s important in life”. I am truly blessed to have found someone like him and to have him as a best friend and a hubby is absolutely wonderful. I am done with my blabbering on now and I will return tomorrow in “normal” form, hahahaha.

You want to know the real deal? Effexor sucks my ass! Yeah, that loverly lil’ anti depressant that I had a brief love affair with is just water under the bridge now! It did it’s duty for a short period of time, but then I noticed that I actually seemed to be more irritable, highly emotional and a tad bit “down”.

So I figured, why take a medication that doesn’t do shit? I guess I could have upped the ol’ dose but that’s just not me. The 10 pounds that had found it’s way on my 5′ 9″ body wasn’t exactly welcome and the lack of sex drive… well, it just sucked! I had no trouble finishing the deal. You know having the big kahuna. But what I had issues with was actually getting on the board if you know what I mean?

What does a nurse who has a degree in psychology and every resource at her fingertips do? Does she seek medical advice and ween herself off of that ugly little pill? Hell no, I quit cold turkey. How stupid could I have been? OMG, it was God awful. I mean it sucked the big one.

I threw up for a week, didn’t sleep, couldn’t see straight, had a headache that was so damn bad I thought I was going crazy, had no happy thoughts, cried for a week, yelled like a crazy women and scariest of all… had thoughts of harming myself.

This was seriously one of the hardest things I have had to whether and if you have been around for a while, you know that I have been through some serious crap! But I prevailed and my poor kids and hubby helped me through this horrendous time. The Big Guy suffered, believe me! He didn’t know whether to hug me, tell me he loved me, smack me on the ass, kick my butt or just cry right along with me.

Oh boy, it sucked the big one for sure. But it has been about 3 weeks and the “brain zaps” have stopped. Yeah, brain zaps. That would be one of the most common side effects of coming of Effexor. You feel like you are having long electrical surges in your head, and it makes you feel half crazy. Is it real or am I just dreaming them up? Nope, they are for real, at least that is what I have decided.

Bottom line, I am free of that crap! Yee ha. Not to say that I am not dealing with some anxiety, and slight emotional responses to the radio in the car, commercials and kids hugging me. Boy am I a sap right now, but at least I am feeling my “real” emotions and the best part of all… I want sex 24 hours a day, hahahaha.

No seriously though, it was nasty stuff to come off of and I really think that clinicians should let patients know the complications associated with this drug and the effects that it can have on you if and when you decide to leave it behind! Because that was some hard work, and scary. I hate to see how people that are on mid or high doses of the drug and deal with clinical depression, not just anxiety and mild depression, handle the change. That is why Effexor is known for causing teenagers to commit suicide. Because you feel as if you are going nuts and it would be easier to just keep popping the pills.

To be totally honest, I am back on the Wellbutrin though. I will stick with this for a while. I took Wellbutrin before Effexor and I had no issues when I chose to come off of it. So I know that when my life settles down, and I am able to deal a bit better, if I want to stop the med I can do so with small complications in my everyday life.

So my advice, be aware of what you are prescribed and really research the medicine. Being a healthcare professional, I am a bit embarrassed that I didn’t realize what I was getting in to, but oh well. Live and learn, right?

You want to hear something really cool?  I have known my best friend for as long as she has been alive, almost 32 years.  And her 2 older brothers were like my brothers.  We grew up together, their family and mine.  We did vacations together, sports, the pool, school, church and countless other activities.  Our parents were even in each other’s weddings.  Not many people can say that!

Here comes the really neat part, now our kids play together.  Uh huh, we all have children now and they all play and do the very same activities that we used to do.  We were even all at the beach  last week and had a damn good time laughing at our kids throwing light sticks around after dark and sitting on the lifegaurds chair.  They even got to ride the rides together.

And you know those embarrassing pictures?  The bathtub ones.  We have so many of those.  How the hell did 5 kids fit in a bathtub at the same time?  But there we were.  Bubbles, floating body parts and all smiles.   It is just so damn cool to see our kids together scrub a dub dubbing the same way!  I can’t way for them to laugh at the pictures when they have their own.

I guess I am pretty darn lucky in this way.  To know someone your whole life, it is so special.  No cattiness, no fakeness, no weirdness or tension.  We are who we are, and we have such a comfortableness.  It is really awesome!

5 top ways to realize that someone has children- in pictures…

1. The bed in the master bedroom at any given point of the day! Yes, that is one huge pile of clothes.  And no, I am  not embaressed.

2. The art work I own.  Uh huh, that is actually a pantry door!

3. That is a… bathtub!  Yes, it has evolved into a playroom.  Amazing.

4. An “organized” mud room.  Hah is all I have to say about that one. We still have no matching shoes in the morning.  Why are there even bins I ask?

And finally 5. It is party time at 7 AM.  I think they has already been seperated and in time out by this point.  Do y’all ever remember what it was like to sleep in and awake to a fresh pot of coffee and read the ol’ paper?  Now we are on our 2nd snack of the morning by 9Am.  They are great though, those little booger heads that they are!  And they are mine!

I have 2 funny things to share with you … One is a story and one is just a haha you’re so unlucky everyday of your life kind of thing.

1. This is the unfortunate happenings one, obviously. I look like that character in the Goonies. You know Sloth. The one that Mama apparently dropped on his face when he was a baby and locked in the basement of Fertelli’s restaurant. Uh huh, I am UGLY! I have shingles all over the right side of my face, from my eye to my cheek and the swelling has created a baseball size pocket of black and blue fluid (I guess the skin is thin there so it has bruised).

I am a beauty to say the least. People don’t know what to think. They just stare and I can tell that half of them think I was on the loosing battle of a fist fight and the other half are disgusted. Oh well, I guess what it is, is what it is, but it is very gross indeed. And this crap hurts like I don’t know what. It feels like there is a match on my face! Good news is it will slowly go away and I will be my beauteous self again, hahahaha!

2. Picture this… My 3 girls and I at the doctors to have a kindergarten check up for M3. She is handling everything wonderfully, even answers all those silly questions right through the age of 7 years old, which is good since she is 5. And to think I used to worry. Anyway, back to topic… She needs 4 shots. Holy mother of pearl that is alot I say. She is my toughie though and takes it like a champ. That is until The Boss has to be physically removed from the room due to her hysteria.

” Moooooommmmyyyy, Nooooooooooo, they are hurting her, Noooooooooooo, No needles, make them stop, run, noooooooooooo, booooo hoooo boooo hooooo!!!!!!”

Here comes the extra office staff running in the room to find that it wasn’t even the one receiving the shots but her older sister in the corner of the room, dry heaving over the trash can and screaming like a maniac. OMG is all I can say! I didn’t know whether I should laugh or get upset or hold M3 or hold The Boss or hold The Babe that was now in hysteria as well.

The receptionist took the other 2 out and we calmed them down only to return to a visibly shakin’ 5 year old that was waiting for her shots. So then I had to hold her down while the “nurse” missed 3 times on 1 arm and once on the other. Dude, if your gonna give 4 shots, have them ready to go and bam, bam, bam. Give them quick and get er’ done, you know?

It was such a fun trip. And by the way as I was leaving the office there were 2 lovely, caddy ass, snobby, brats of women in the waiting room discussing my kids and my very ugly swollen face. They had assumed that my hubby had hit me. Oh I felt the fury go through me when I overheard that. First he would NEVER do that, and second if he did, he would look WORSE than me. So I turned and simply said…

“It is herpes on my face, I don’t know where I got it and it is very contageous, so keep an eye out”

Hah, that’ll show them, hahahaha. I felt a lil’ bad for putting the fear of the ol’ herps in them, but sometimes you gotta fight dirty!

Picture this… my sister and I had the 5 kids at the beach, my 3 girls and her 2 boys.  A few days of group baths and washing sand out of cracks that we didn’t even realized existed.  We even got the good ol’ commentary from my older 2.  You know, “your ninnies are smaller than my mom’s but your ghina is bigger.  And there is always, “mommy, why is your butt so much bigger than aunt J’s, and it has more smiley face dimples”.

You got to love kids.  But the best was when I turned the corner to the back bedroom and I saw my youngest having her first gynecological exam.  Now that is a bit of an exaggeration.  The other 4 kiddies were about a foot from her private area just looking away.  And she was giving commentary, “this is my ghina and this is my sweet cheeks and this is my other hole that poopy comes out of”.

Needless to say I stopped the anatomy lesson right then and there while holding back my “holy shit that is so damn funny” laughter.  So everyone goes on their merry ways and we get dressed, do dinner and decide to walk across the street to make a sundae.  And that is when we heard it.  It was clear as day.  It was as loud as a bomb and as funny as I don’t know what.  My youngest lil’ nephew, not even 2, decided to share a little something with the whole damn store…

“My ghina is as big as mommies.  My ghina is right here”

And as he is pointing, we are trying to sush him up.  The whole store is staring and half of the people are laughing.  The other half is looking at us like we should be in jail.  My sis and I are laughing our very tired asses off and when we suggest to my nephew to quiet down and that he is a boy and doesn’t have a ghina.  He becomes louder and more persistent. After 5 minutes he is screaming…

“I want a ghina like my mommies.  Mines a ghina tooooooo!”

Kids are great.  Oh the joys of parenting.  All we could do is laugh and walk the kids back to our place and drink a very big ass bottle of wine!  Ahhh… vacation.